Criticism-- the Great Limiter

I wrote this on October 6th, but was unable to access Blogger to post it. So, here you go...

The other night I was watching Oprah. Not that this is a regular occurrence, because it’s not. I really don’t watch her show that much, mainly because I can’t stand the way so many women literally worship her. But I have to say she has some interesting topics for her shows… and I do like her.

This time it was about women, and mothers in particular, who feel overwhelmed by life and the responsibilities and expectations that follow them. Or should I say haunt them? I sat down to watch while folding laundry when there was only about twenty minutes left in the show. They interviewed women in the audience and women by phone, collecting their stories of the near-disasters that occurred in their homes with their children all because the poor women were feeling more than spent. They had nothing left to give at that point. I’ve felt like that, so I could relate, feeling their pain as I listened to the stories of the babies nearly strangling themselves on a telephone chord or the mother contemplating running out of the bathroom “just for a second” to grab her Blackberry while her baby sat in the bathtub. But something at the very end got to me.

I heard, “Why do women criticize each other? We are so harsh, when really we need each other’s support so much more.”

Easy.

Women tend to be so much more aware and ashamed of our weaknesses. We find evidence of them each day, as we see ourselves failing to meet the expectations set by ourselves when it comes to fulfilling everyone’s needs. There’s this unspoken rule of womanhood and motherhood that we need to be everything to everyone, and that we need to do that perfectly. But we can’t do it perfectly—we’d never be able to. And it eats us alive.

Women are critical of each other because it brings validation of their owns strengths. Women point out weaknesses in others, which to them are strengths. And for just a moment, they feel perfect. They know they are not, but no matter. I honestly don’t believe that most women are trying to be cruel or vengeful in their criticisms, but they are attempting to bring themselves up on a little bit higher plane. If they can feel they’re a better mother than someone else, then just maybe they’ve succeeded. And the more one criticizes, perhaps the more insecure she feels and the more validation she is seeking, that’s what I say.

But I’m not going to say I don’t take part in this—that would be lying. I just try really, really hard to keep those unproductive criticisms in my head. Hold your tongue, Krissy, I tell myself, It’s not worth it.

What we all fail to remember, though, is that this thing called life is not a race. It’s not a contest. No one is going to hand us some huge gold medal at the pearly gates for being the “best mother on earth.” No one will put us in ranks. We are women. We are mothers. Our responsibilities are never-ending, but our capacity to tackle them, while great, is also limited. This is something we just need to accept, not fear. Accepting it empowers, fearing it limits us.

We all have strengths to counter our weaknesses. Looking as those strengths humbly, knowing they come ultimately from God will give us no reason to criticize other women who are trying just as hard to “do it all” as we are. We will understand that all have their own strengths, and all have their own weaknesses. And in spite of our weaknesses, which God has given us to promote growth (and humility), He trusts that with our sincere effort and with His help, we can do it, we can make it. Our kids really can grow up happy and healthy, and we can be successful contributors to society, in spite of our many mistakes.

As we come to realize this, does that mean we won’t ever criticize? Probably not. But at least we can learn to tell ourselves, Hold your tongue. It’s just not worth it.

And then there’s always the consolation that we have all eternity to develop perfect charity, but this is a start.