Change

I have a natural aversion to change. I hate it, actually. Maybe not completely... But I hate change when it comes to something I care about, I guess.

And today change smacked me in the face again. I knew it was coming, but (for some stupid reason) didn't anticipate it being this hard.

Being the Young Women's president has been really, really hard for me. Of course, it's a challenge for anyone. But for me, I struggled with feelings of doubt and inadequacy constantly, second-guessing every decision I made, worrying that it was the "wrong" one, worrying that I was letting down the ward.

Right from the get-go I made major changes. Not that the previous president was doing her job wrong-- not in the least! But because, from some counsel our stake received from Elder Bednar back in June, I knew we needed to make our program "youth led"-- they plan, they lead, they execute. And making those changes was hard for us and it was hard for the girls. Although, the girls embraced their new-found leadership opportunities better than I thought they would.

We stressed missionary work, and we shared testimonies. We grew together.

And, yet, I never once felt like I was doing a good job. Adequate, maybe, but not nearly good enough. And honestly, I don't even know what "good enough" really means. In my mind, it means anything better than what I'm already doing.

Then a change in January. Kevin was no longer the bishop leading Ward Council and BYC. I couldn't attend mutual with him anymore, because he was no longer required to go. His new calling took him away from the ward, and I wouldn't see him anymore throughout the day, even for a brief moment. It has been like he disappeared on Sundays. I am just the lady up in the front of the chapel with no husband, the kids with no father.

And as of today, I have no calling. No responsibility. I was released from being the Young Women president, after only seven short months. We all wept as we met during the third hour today. I love my girls-- Alicia, Meredith, Bregan, Sydney, and Amy-- and now I have lost my weekly connection with them. I knew it was coming, though. It needed to happen.

And now I feel... completely unneeded.

There, I said it. Unneeded. No place to serve, no place to go. Feeling like no one knows me and like I don't "belong."

I watched the new presidency come together and smile and laugh after church, and I hung my head and my eyes filled with tears. What a wonderful friendship they will develop. Stefani stayed with them, and I will miss her. Cathy was called in the Relief Society as the secretary. Dear friends called off to new, great work.

And here I stand.

I just picture myself out on a plain-- a muted-brown, barren plain. Alone. Looking around for something, someone that needs me. And finding none.

And then... Over the horizon come four people. Four people that do need me. They giggle and run to me, throwing their little arms around me, smothering my face with their kisses.The oldest puts her head on my shoulder, the next wraps her arms around my waist, and the two younger ones grab my legs. And I weep... "Are you okay, Mom?" "We love you, Mom." "Mom, you are beautiful."

How I love my children.

Oh, "change"... It is just hard. And I only know I have much more of this to endure throughout my life. But, as for right now, at this very moment, I don't know how much more my fragile heart can take. All I can do is pray, really.

And I can focus on those little ones clinging to me in that open field. More than anyone else on this earth they need me.

They. Need. Me.

They need me to take them to church, to help them with their talks, to work with them through Faith in God (and soon, Personal Progress), to read the scriptures with them, to teach them what the gospel means for them. They need me to keep our home a safe place-- where they can find refuge from the world. I must provide consistency when change abounds all around them. And in that sense, I am their rock.

If I am not mistaken, I can't think of a greater responsibility.

For the first time today, actually, I am feeling some glimmer of hope-- like just maybe there really is an important place for me, for which there is no quick replacement.

Maybe I could even come to like change...

... Nah.

Sunday Ramblings

So. Kevin left for the Sebring this chilly morning. It's a two-hour drive southwest of here-- pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I know this because the kids and I went and visited the members there three weeks ago.

And, yes, it has been chilly today, for Floridians. Within the past three Sundays I have had to wear tights and boots to church twice! I NEVER wear tights. But when it's cloudy, windy, and in the 40's, you do what you have to do to stay warm. Sami was whining this morning about her clothes not matching. I said, "Hey, it's Florida... Nobody has matching winter Sunday clothes. You throw on what you have, and nobody's gonna judge!"

So, anyway, Kevin visited the Sebring ward at 10:00, and then stayed to visit the Lake Placid branch at 1:00, which means they should be finishing up their Sacrament Meeting right about now. From there he will drive to Vero Beach to take care of some interviews there, and he probably won't be home till the kids are getting ready for bed.

Since it's Fast Sunday, I just pray he will be all right traveling without sustenance. But the Lord will bless him... I'm sure he will be fine.

I'm wondering what is going to happen with my own calling now as Young Women President. I have only had this calling since July, but Kevin told be it is very likely that I will be released. I think the Lord is carrying some of my weight right now. I thought I would feel more burdened, and some ward members have expressed their concern for me, but I'm doing okay. I'm actually doing a bit better mentally than I was when Kevin was the bishop. In thinking through the demands of our callings, from a logical standpoint, then, yes, this is too much for our family. But through Divine intervention, I think, I am actually still sane!

I mentioned to Allie this morning on our drive to church of the likelihood of me being released before she turns twelve in March and joins the Young Women. She sank down in her seat and hung her head. She nodded when I asked if that made her sad. "I really wanted you to go to camp with me..."

I'm glad she not only loves me, but still wants me around! (Of course, when we walk to school, she makes it a point to walk ten feet behind me.)

But I do realize how much the kids need their mom around, especially with Dad being gone.

On the upside, though, he no longer has to go to mutual on Wednesdays! This past week was the first time he hasn't had to go in well-over ten years! It was a little lonely for me driving over to the church alone, but I was sure able to get home faster! When 8:15 hit, I picked up my stuff... and just... left. Woah...

I have really enjoyed my time with the young women, in spite of my many inadequacies. They have been good to me-- very forgiving of my weaknesses. Their faith has strengthened mine.