"Perfection"

It's no wonder so many LDS women suffer from depression.

I have just been browsing friends' blogs (since the only time I actually do that is when I update my own...). Incredible sewing projects, cooking endeavors, canning pounds of summer fruit, flawless family portraits, babies born at home with midwives, spotless and organized homes, church leadership callings, etc. I could go on... really.

If you haven't guessed, these are all weaknesses of mine. I basically taught myself how to sew. It's painful and laborious, and I'd rather do almost anything else. My kids would rather I do something else, too, because they know when I mess up I'll throw a fit and something will fly across the room.

Okay, cooking isn't a weakness (anymore), but grocery shopping is. And I'm also not ambitious enough to start a cooking blog.

I have no idea how to can food. I buy Dole Mandarine oranges and pineapple chunks.

It has been a while since we did family pictures, but we've never gone anywhere but JC Penney. And my teeth were really yellow at the time.

I can't have a baby outside of a hospital (doomed to c-sections), nor do I think I have it in me to have a lot of kids. Hmmm... patience? Nope. Tolerance of chaos? Zero.

And my house, while decently clean, is far from clutter-free and organized. I enlist my kids to help, and they fight me tooth-and-nail the whole way.

I have never been in an auxiliary presidency the entire time we have lived in Florida. I'm not complaining, but just saying that I think members of the Church (myself included at times) tend to believe that the strongest members of the ward are leading it.

It's much too easy to look at all of these areas where I lack and think that I am less than I should be. If I were a "good" wife... or If I were a patient mother...

But here's the reality. The Celestial Kingdom isn't going to keep out women who sent their husbands to a barber or buy pricey shoes. The Lord won't shun women who get an epidural during childbirth or spend their whole lives faithfully serving "only" as the Relief Society pianist. And I won't be on the "left hand" for buying commercially canned food and purchasing my kids clothes from Target or Old Navy, or even for buying something that's not on sale (gasp).

I just sat down with a member of both the bishopric and stake presidency a couple weeks ago to renew my temple recommend. They asked key questions regarding my faith. I gave honest answers. And I broke-in that brand new recommend at the temple, the House of the Lord, this past week.

And I am reminded that that's what's important.

P.S. Just to clarify, I am not pining for a leadership calling. While I haven't had any here, I've had them elsewhere. Having one is, as Kevin has described, a two-edged sword. It's flattering to receive the call, knowing that the Lord has confidence in you, that He considers you capable and worthy. And there is a closeness of the Spirit, I have found, that comes as a result of having stewardship over other members of the ward. But with that calling comes an enormous amount of stress and work-- meetings, reports, activities to plan, problems to tackle, service to render. It can be overwhelming. So, while it's easy to be fooled into thinking that by not being extended a leadership calling that you're not wanted or needed, the truth is that we are. And those that have such a full-time service calling sacrifice more time and energy than many others are willing to give. Believe me, it's not something to covet.

Okay, so it has been nearly two months...

Keeping track of our lives has gotten away from me. It's too bad, really. I'm sure there are plenty of funny moments and conversations that I won't remember because of that. But, you know, sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to sit down and write about everything. But a couple months ago, I did notice that even when I didn't have time to write something long and detailed, I could always take a moment and update my Facebook status. I looked back on many of those, and found some really good stuff in there! So, I created a Word document where I copied and pasted my status posts for as far back as I could, and I continue to keep it as I continue to post. It has been like my mini-journal when I have a lapse in my official journal.

The girls are both a month and a half into the school year. The varying reports I get at the end of their school day is so telling of their personalities. Sami comes home to tell me who she played with during the day. For Sami, socializing is vital, akin to food or water (although, even those don't seem to be a priority with her oftentimes). If she can't get any of us to play with her, she sits with her pink blanket and cries about how nobody likes her.

For Allie, socializing is a perk of school, but she could do with or without it. If she plays alone, no sweat. She'll come home from school, pull out a chapter book (like Junie B. Jones or The Magic Treehouse) and plow through it for an hour till she finishes it, all while her sister is sitting at her feet begging to play with her. No, Allie's major concern is whether or not she got picked to go to the treasure box. Yes, the child is quite materialistic. However, her teacher talks about how sweet she is-- with "a heart of gold," as she put it. I'd have to agree. The girl is extremely compassionate and considerate. She even came up with the idea to round up a group of friends during recess to pick up trash around the playground. Of course, it wasn't long before all the girls thought they were each in charge and started fighting over who was the boss, which led to a discussion with Mrs. Kohlstedt. But still... she's a good kid. A bit scattered and distracted, with her mind almost always anywhere but where it needs to be, but she's very bright and creative. The best word I can come up with is eccentric.

Sami and Drew may not be as eccentric as their big sister, but they love to make each other laugh-- tackling each other on the floor or playing monsters.

Sami has been playing a word game with me lately. She worships Allie, and wants to read and draw just like her. Her coloring is really pretty good because she tries so hard to emulate Allie-- to keep up. And she gets frustrated when she can't do as good a job as she'd like. Sounds a bit like her mama...

But right before school started we enjoyed a quick visit from Aunt Mallory, making sure to see the butterfly exhibit at the zoo, as well as take a tour of the police department when the station had an Open House. We also got in an evening Manatees baseball game-- well, a third of one.

With the start of school also came the start of dance lessons. The academy is growing rapidly, which is exciting for the teacher, but a bummer for us. More students means a longer recital, which really bums me out. But the girls love it.

With our lives being so scheduled, we don't have much time for anything else. Although, we did get to have a Disney weekend a few weeks ago... on the very same weekend my high school friend Shannan was there from Tennessee with her family. We met up at Downtown Disney Thursday evening to hug and talk for ten minutes or so. I almost cried when I saw her face, since we hadn't seen each other in twelve years. After we parted, our family ate dinner at the Rainforest Cafe, and then stayed the night in a hotel on the Disney property. The next morning we got an early start at Epcot. The girls were disappointed at first when they realized there was no castle, but quickly forgot about their disappointment when they discovered we could actually go inside that gigantic big ball in the front. They loved touring the different countries, adding a charm and stamp from each land to the masks they had colored while in "Mexico." We stayed through the fireworks, went back to the hotel to crash, and then, upon checking out the next morning, took a detour to Green Meadows Petting Farm in Kissimmee on the way home.

The following weekend, Kevin got his birthday present. Of course, his birthday was nearly a month ago, but his present was a trip to Tallahassee to go the FSU football game against BYU. Our good friends the Weatherspoons graciously took Allie and Sami for a couple days, and Kevin and I drove with Drew to the game. Despite having to walk by all the drunks outside the frat houses, the fans were good to us. And despite the sun beating down on us for most of the game (and making we sweat through my shorts), we didn't get sunburned (SPF 100 is awesome...) and had great fun. Yes, the Cougs lost miserably, but at least then we got to leave without anyone wanting to beat us up.

Oh, I forgot to mention Drew's swimming lessons. Once the girls started school, I thought it would be fun to put Drew's in parent/tot lessons. He loved jumping in the pool from the side, hated swimming with the "noodle," loved to splash, and despised the slide (although he had no problem climbing the steps before "chickening out"). His lessons lasted for a month, which was all I could handle, really. We had fun together, but fighting his urge to let go of me and drown himself was exhausting. I think Drew's favorite part, though, was seeing four of his friends from Nursery at church that had all signed up for the same class.

We're looking forward to General Conference this weekend. We don't have cable to be able to watch it on BYUTV, so we just pull it up from lds.org. It's funny... my grandma, who isn't even a member of the Church, actually watches Conference. I understand why. It's peaceful. It's powerful... and empowering. There are moments when our home feels as close to heaven as we're going to get-- when we pray together, when we read the scriptures together, when we enjoy beautiful and inspiring music together, and when we listen to the Lord's chosen servants together.

Now, in stark contrast, I have just turned on an Elmo CD for Drew to listen to. It was either that or play the Wiggles DVD for the millionth time in the past three weeks.

Help.