A Confession

I confess.

I don't run marathons... or triathlons. I don't even have a gym membership. It expired six years ago.

I don't eat solely organic foods, and I don't care a hoot about GMO's.

I don't make my girls' Christmas dresses, nor do I know how, do do I care to learn.

I don't can my own food or make my own beef jerky. I suppose I could learn, but I know myself. It would never get it done. Again, I don't care.

I don't homeschool my kids, or teach piano to my preschoolers.

I don't read books all that much. Shocking, considering I taught English, for crying out loud.

I don't build anything or sew very much, and I am no gourmet chef. And I have no prospects with which to start my own business.

I don't decorate my house with clever odds and ends, purchased from a garage sale and refurbished to look "shabby chic". Truthfully, my house isn't really "decorated" at all.

My house is nearly always a disaster, my carpets are always stained, and my walls are are all the same color (well, except for the scratches and scuffs).

I wear the same flip-flops everyday, my make-up sits in the case lonely and practically unused, my hair always needs trimming, and my clothes are generally made up of sale items or hand-me-downs.

So, go ahead. Look down on me if you want. Seriously, have at it.

Because I just don't care anymore. Or at least, I don't want to care.

No matter whatever few things I accomplish, somebody will always accomplish more. Someone will always be smarter, prettier, more talented, clever, or handy. But life isn't about me. Even my own life-- it isn't about me.  And yet it is. The challenge is to just get over myself... while remembering how important I am.

I think about some of the most positively influential (and happy) people in the world-- Mother Teresa, the apostles, even our Savior Jesus Christ (who once was mortal, remember)-- and their impact was so far-reaching because they lost themselves. They didn't put themselves at the center of their own world.

(Ironic, really, in the case of the Savior, considering He created that world...)

Such people don't need constant validation. Such people don't need to compare or criticize or boast. They aren't even looking at themselves anyway. They aren't even the type to dwell on everything they aren't, because such thinking is vain. It's a waste of time and energy to dwell on such things.

Such people understand that their value is not truly equated with what they accomplish.

Their value is defined simply by the fact that they exist at all. That they are truly unique sons and daughters of God. That each is one-of-a-kind royalty-- from a mold that was broken the moment they came to be.

All of this temporal, superficial stuff just doesn't matter. Of course it does matter to always try to learn new skills and develop one's talents, but the extent to which I do that, or in what manner, really doesn't matter. It does not, because is should not, influence my view of my own worth.

So back to my challenge. Yeah, it's time to get over myself. I'm not Wonder Woman, and I never will be. Heck, I won't even come close really.

I will continue to just do the best I can... which may be different than your best. And I won't think twice about it. I need to do a lot less dwelling on me (for bad or good), and look past my own nose.

After all, it's not about me.

My Kids

Allie had to stay up a bit late tonight working on her homework. One of the assignments took her entirely too long to do, which was her own doing. "Write a story that includes the word 'pilfer'." That's it. One word. I asked her what on earth was taking her so long. I mean, come one, it's one dang word. She said the story could be as long as she wanted it to be. Translation-- write a novel. Okay, so it really wasn't that long, but still...

So, yes, she had to stay up a wee past her bedtime finishing up a math assignment, when I came across two graded reading tests in her folder. Both marked with a "C". Ouch. Although, I already knew about these grades after having seen them posted online the day before.  But considering how much this kid loves to read, and knowing of her sharp "thinker", grades like this must have a story. When she finished her assignment I sat down to talk with her.

I told her I had seen her grades online and that she had all A's... except for one. She scrunched up her face, a sheepish smile crossing her lips. She muttered, "Was it reading?" I nodded and I showed her the tests. We talked about what happened, and figured she was reading the tests the same way she reads for enjoyment-- lightning fast, and without attention to detail. She also confessed that she tended to hurry through tests so that she could spend the extra time leftover reading. That kid would live in a library if I would let her. As long as she had a never-ending supply of quesadillas she would be good to go.

We took a few minutes and discussed some strategies to help her get through the tests. She seemed to feel better. More hopeful. I gave her a hug, and she looked up at me with her sweet blue eyes. Love poured out of them. No, it gushed out. She wrapped her arms around me and then off she went.

Earlier this evening, before I gathered the troops to the kitchen to clean up, Sami, the ringleader of fun (and mischief), had convinced Drew and Eve to dress up in socks, knitted caps, scarves, and gloves, to "ice skate" around the tile in the entry way. They looked absolutely ridiculous... and absolutely adorable.

And I thought, "I sure love my kids."

My house is a disaster, with a large refrigerator box "playhouse" practically smacking you in the face when you walk through the front door. Toys are scattered far from their "homes". I did straighten up the living room after all the kids were in bed, which means I just moved the mess-- threw some stuff in the toy room and set the rest by the kids' bedroom doors.

The mess used to really both me. I mean really bother me. Then I realized, finally, after having been told a zillion and half times by older friends and strangers alike, that this time of life passes way too quickly-- to just take time to really soak it in and enjoy it. When, at the end of the last school year, I saw that Allie would be soon moving on the fourth grade, I sort of panicked. Where did the time go? She is almost ten... I was then that I decided (yes, I made a conscious choice) to not let the mess bother me. I wouldn't allow it to depress me anymore. I knew that all too soon that mess would be gone. Forever. And, yes, I would miss it.

I remember years ago on one of our visits to my parents' house, when, after having only been there a day, the kids had managed to scatter every toy and book in their house from one end to the other. My dad walked in after work, looked around and started laughing. I apologized. He waved it off and said, "Nah. It just looks like there is life here again." And he smiled. It makes me teary to even remember that. I didn't get it at all then. But I am starting to get it now.

Too fast. It's all too fast.

My family brings me so much happiness. Yeah, I feel a lot of anger, too... along with frustration, sadness, and discouragement. But the happiness is unmatched. That is what I want to take with me. I want to look back on these days and say I loved it. Realistically, I could never love every moment, but I can choose to make more moments to love.

My four sweet babies... If any of you ever read this, know two things-- that I love you forever, and that I love being with you. You are happiness.