Our House

Our house started to feel smaller when we decided to share the guest room as an office.

I hated having a desk in our bedroom, especially when listening to the clanking sound of the scanner at eleven o'clock at night while Kevin was trying to go through all the food orders, or when getting ousted from my own room because Kevin had to make a private bishop-ly phone call and had nowhere else to go.  So we got rid of the old desk, bought a new one, and put it (and the printer) in the guest room.  It was nice having the desk out of our room, but not so nice for my parents who came to visit during Evie's birth, seeing as how they now had to share an already tiny room with a big ol' desk.


We bought the desk at the same time we bought new furniture for the toy room... which is actually a dining room, but I couldn't stand to have the girls' cramped room jammed-packed with all their toys.  So we moved the large table from the dining room to the kitchen, and the littler kitchen table to the "toy" room as an art table...

Okay, scratch what I said in the beginning.  Our house started to feel small when we moved all the toys into the dining room.

And now we have our baby girl sharing a room with our nearly three-year-old little boy because we have no other place to put either one of them (which, technically, should be fine for a few years).  And one whole side of their closet is packed with food storage.

Yesterday Kev begged me to let him bring the printer back in our room, because that is the only room where we can use it wirelessly and works better.  So, of course, after bringing it back into our room, he had to walk back-and-forth across the house to place items in to scan and then control the scanner.  I have a feeling the laptop is going to end up in our room ultimately, and my original plans will have been thwarted.

So, yes.  I find it interesting that all throughout the month of gratitude-- the month when so many of my friends are posting daily on Facebook about what they are thankful for-- that I am wallowing in a bit of self-pity.

I want a bigger house.  Not a mansion, but just bigger... with storage space (we have none)... and an office... and another bedroom... and a BIG backyard.  Oh, and a three-car garage, so Kevin has a decent amount of space for his exercise equipment... and so I don't freak out every time he does clean-and-jerks thinking he'll lose his grip on the bar and it will go flying through the van window.

But, alas, we owe more on our house than it's worth (when we originally put 20% down on it), and it's worth about half what we paid for it.  And, unless, we strike it rich overnight, we are stuck.  Literally stuck.  I hate thinking of it that way, but I just feel trapped.  Helpless.

Now, that being said, I'm not so stupid as to not realize that many friends would read this and think that I should count my blessings-- that there are others out there that have it so much worse than me.  No doubt.  But we all have our trials, custom fit to try us and stretch us and direct us in ways the Lord sees fit.  So, personally, I don't like to compare the difficulty of challenges.  In saying I struggle with my own, realize that I'm not saying a thing about the difficulty of anyone else's.

But... because I also realize I'm dwelling mentally in a place that isn't helping me any, I'm going to do as I should.  Count my blessings, that is.

 I am grateful for my family-- for the family that raised me and for the family I am raising.  I could add Allie and Sami to my list of challenges as well, but since I'm trying to feel better right now, I'll just think about how fun and creative and smart they are.  I'm grateful for the memories I have made with them, and that there will be many more in the future.

I am grateful for my husband, and for the way he begs the kids everyday to be good to me.  They ignore him much of the time, but he always hopes that he will come home to a smiling, calm wife.  I'm grateful he doesn't give up hope.

I'm grateful I get to sing with the Chamber Singers... and that my sweet husband is so supportive in bathing and putting all four kids to bed by himself on night a week, so that I can go do something that fills my well.

I'm grateful I don't have to shovel snow or drive next to semis on an icy two-lane freeway anymore.

I'm grateful for the temple, and for the peace and spiritual renewal I feel there... even if it is 1 1/2 hours away  and I have to rush in and then rush out because of having children that need to be picked up from school.  I'm use to the long drive now, and I'm actually grateful for that time it gives Kevin and I to talk.

I'm grateful for a strong back.  If you know my mom, you understand where I'm coming from.

I'm grateful for good health.  It's a miracle that with all the germs that have been floating around this house in the past month, I have escaped them all.  Truly a miracle-- a tender mercy from the Lord.

I'm grateful for modern medicine that allows me to regulate my hypothyroidism, and allows Sami to sleep peacefully through the night even with a runny nose and deep cough.

And, yes, I am grateful for our tiny house.  It may frustrate the heck out of me, but at least I have a roof to keep me dry.  And, I am sure grateful that we can still afford to live in it-- that Kev still has a good job that provides for us.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the living room (that I am so grateful for) to play a board game with my sick little Sami (whom I'm also grateful for) until my other lovely children (I like them, too... most of the time) come home from church.

Wow.  I do feel better. (But I still want a bigger house...)

Star Student

Allie has been the Star Student in her class this week (and Sami has been Student of the Week as well!). Each day special time is given to that student, either to share their favorite things or pictures, or to read their favorite picture book to the class, or to share a letter written to the class by the parent. The letter was read today, and I had included a CD of two videos to go along with it, but the CD wouldn't work for her teacher. And even though I had put them both on YouTube, her school computer wouldn't allow access to them. So, I'm including one of them on the blog to see if maybe she can get at least this one from here. (I tried to upload the other one, too, but it wasn't working) Sigh...




This video is from December of 2007. I had just gone to choir practice, and Kevin turned on a CD of old-school rock 'n' roll Christmas tunes. The girls really liked "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"...


Good luck, Mrs. Kohlstedt! :)

The Church's Children's Art Exhibit

About a year and a half ago, the Church called for children's artwork portraying how the gospel blesses their lives. Some of the artwork was to be used in an exhibit in Salt Lake City this summer. I was on the website for The Friend, the Church's children's magazine, when I came across a link to see artwork from the exhibit. I went to the category for 6-year-olds (since she was that age when she mailed hers in). Sure enough, there it was! On the 5th page of artwork, 4th from the left on the middle row. Go to http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=21bc9fbee98db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=efee746fb7b5d210VgnVCM100000176f620a____ and click on "start" to get to the art and then go to page 5. So cool! Allie was thrilled!

Evie's Birthday

There are plenty of other things I could be doing right now, but I knew I needed to make myself sit down and record the events surrounding Eve's birth. Probably more important than, I don't know, say, emptying the waste basket in the bathroom (which is pretty much overflowing right now...).

This is the only birth out of all four that has gone as planned. Allie came two weeks early, Sami came a week late, and Drew came a few days before the scheduled c-section. But Evie decided to be merciful and wait patiently for Dr. Foster to cut me open and pull her out. My parents were relieved, seeing as how their plans to help have been foiled every previous birth. This time, though, they came a couple days early to learn the kids' routines and were able to be here while I was in the hospital, to haul the kids to school or activities, to to babysit so Kevin could visit his wife and new baby without having to wrestle Drew or reprimand the girls for fighting in the hospital room.

Eve Gwendolyn Smith was born August 25th at 8:04am, weighing 8 lbs. 3 oz., and measuring 21 inches long (which the nurse at the pediatrician's office said must have been wrong). Kevin and I arrived at the hospital shortly before 6am. As I waited on the hospital bed while the nurses filled out paperwork and prepped me, Kevin sat reading the book of baby names, as usual. Months earlier I had mentioned the name Eve to him, which he liked at the time, but didn't seem excited about. At one time he had also mentioned to me that he liked the name Gwen. I thought to myself that combining the two would make a nice name, but I hesitated to bring it up... until we were sitting there in the hospital room in official "name" mode. His head was buried in that book, and I just mentioned, "You know, I still really like the name Eve." He looked up and said that it was funny I should say that-- he had just read the name Eve and it hit him that he really liked it, too. So I brought up Gwendolyn as a middle name, and he liked that, too. We decided to go with it once they had wheeled me out of the operating room and into Recovery.

Evie had a nice strong cry when they pulled her out. I was relieved to hear it-- when they had pulled Drew out, he was silent, and I was terrified. After they had suctioned him out, he finally cried, but for a moment I feared there was something terribly wrong. Hearing Evie's cry was such a relief! And I teared up hearing it. I already loved her. And I love her more each day.

I've had many friends say she looks just like Sami, or, at least, that she looks like a Smith baby. I don't know. Maybe. She just looks like Evie to me.

She's a bit fussier than Sami ever was-- seems a bit more like Allie. Isn't too keen on being a baby-- immobile and needy. Just now I caught her squirming around in the baby swing literally trying to sit up, it seemed. For Pete's sake! Sit up? She's only three weeks old!

Allie and Sami love having her around. Allie begs to hold her, and Sami will sit next to Evie and "read" books to her. Drew has being getting more used to not being the baby anymore, and, thankfully, hasn't shown any animosity towards his baby sister. He actually takes pride in being a good big brother-- rubbing her head, calling for me when she's crying, or even trying to hush her cries with, "Shhh... it's okay, Evie. It's okay..."

And I think I will end here, because my high-maintenance baby is calling me again. Probably sick of Sami reading to her. :)

Happiness

My mom asked me while she was here if the thought of Evie being our last baby made me sad. I said no. That I had known it had to end sometime. That I was relieved by the thought of never having to be pregnant again. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by having to juggle the lives of four children. Some women handle having large families better than others. Admittedly, I'm one of the "others". Lately, as I have walked through our house of chaos, cluttered by diapers and blankets and "baby gear", I have dreamed of the day when we'd get rid of it all. Only a few years to go... only a few years to go...

And then Evie fussed this morning. I had just fed her, her diaper was pretty clean, and she hadn't been awake all that long. I couldn't figure out what she wanted. All I wanted was to take a dang shower. Drew was camped out in front of Sesame Street, so I thought it would be a good time for me to sneak away and get cleaned up. But nooooo. Little Miss had to start crying. So I picked her up, held her head, with her face resting on my chest, and hugged her close. I turned and saw our reflection in the mirror. Her cries had stopped. Her eyes had closed. It was the most serene image I had ever seen. Even with my ratty clothes and tousled hair. I looked at that face and felt my tears well up. And suddenly I was sad and grateful all at the same time.

I looked around at my disaster of a bedroom and thought about that day I had been so looking forward to, and suddenly the thought of giving away the swing or the bassinet and leaving baby-hood forever seemed really... sad. The thought of this being the last newborn to cuddle and calm broke my heart. I'd miss the fresh, milky, baby smell. I'd miss the soft, perfect skin. I'd miss the lullaby music I had played for all of my kids during nap time. So I held her close, soaking her in, really trying to imprint her perfect image in my brain.

Since I brought her home, I've struggled. Struggled to be happy. Struggled to find "me" again. We've battled illness around the house, trying to keep those nasty germs away from Evie. We've dealt with disaster as Drew fell face-first on the wood frame of the bunk bed and jammed his teeth into his gums while Sami tried to hoist him up from a clothes bin... all while I was nursing and Kevin was out doing to yard work. And then I couldn't figure out how to fit a newborn into a routine of school, dance, and soccer. Oh, and don't even get me started on the reality of having very little to wear right now...

But looking at that precious little face, so at peace in my arms, all my struggles faded momentarily. It was just her... and me. And for the first time since leaving the hospital I felt happy. What a blessing! What a joy that I have the the privilege of spending life and beyond cherishing this little soul. My heart, while saddened at the thought of Evie being "it", was overflowing with gratitude for the magnificent children I have received.

You'd never know it by the look of my face right now-- all snotty and tear-stained. But I really am happy. Truly, I am.

Time to get Drew and Evie in the stroller and go pick up their spunky big sisters... and give them a really tight squeeze.