Happiness

My mom asked me while she was here if the thought of Evie being our last baby made me sad. I said no. That I had known it had to end sometime. That I was relieved by the thought of never having to be pregnant again. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by having to juggle the lives of four children. Some women handle having large families better than others. Admittedly, I'm one of the "others". Lately, as I have walked through our house of chaos, cluttered by diapers and blankets and "baby gear", I have dreamed of the day when we'd get rid of it all. Only a few years to go... only a few years to go...

And then Evie fussed this morning. I had just fed her, her diaper was pretty clean, and she hadn't been awake all that long. I couldn't figure out what she wanted. All I wanted was to take a dang shower. Drew was camped out in front of Sesame Street, so I thought it would be a good time for me to sneak away and get cleaned up. But nooooo. Little Miss had to start crying. So I picked her up, held her head, with her face resting on my chest, and hugged her close. I turned and saw our reflection in the mirror. Her cries had stopped. Her eyes had closed. It was the most serene image I had ever seen. Even with my ratty clothes and tousled hair. I looked at that face and felt my tears well up. And suddenly I was sad and grateful all at the same time.

I looked around at my disaster of a bedroom and thought about that day I had been so looking forward to, and suddenly the thought of giving away the swing or the bassinet and leaving baby-hood forever seemed really... sad. The thought of this being the last newborn to cuddle and calm broke my heart. I'd miss the fresh, milky, baby smell. I'd miss the soft, perfect skin. I'd miss the lullaby music I had played for all of my kids during nap time. So I held her close, soaking her in, really trying to imprint her perfect image in my brain.

Since I brought her home, I've struggled. Struggled to be happy. Struggled to find "me" again. We've battled illness around the house, trying to keep those nasty germs away from Evie. We've dealt with disaster as Drew fell face-first on the wood frame of the bunk bed and jammed his teeth into his gums while Sami tried to hoist him up from a clothes bin... all while I was nursing and Kevin was out doing to yard work. And then I couldn't figure out how to fit a newborn into a routine of school, dance, and soccer. Oh, and don't even get me started on the reality of having very little to wear right now...

But looking at that precious little face, so at peace in my arms, all my struggles faded momentarily. It was just her... and me. And for the first time since leaving the hospital I felt happy. What a blessing! What a joy that I have the the privilege of spending life and beyond cherishing this little soul. My heart, while saddened at the thought of Evie being "it", was overflowing with gratitude for the magnificent children I have received.

You'd never know it by the look of my face right now-- all snotty and tear-stained. But I really am happy. Truly, I am.

Time to get Drew and Evie in the stroller and go pick up their spunky big sisters... and give them a really tight squeeze.