Our House

Our house started to feel smaller when we decided to share the guest room as an office.

I hated having a desk in our bedroom, especially when listening to the clanking sound of the scanner at eleven o'clock at night while Kevin was trying to go through all the food orders, or when getting ousted from my own room because Kevin had to make a private bishop-ly phone call and had nowhere else to go.  So we got rid of the old desk, bought a new one, and put it (and the printer) in the guest room.  It was nice having the desk out of our room, but not so nice for my parents who came to visit during Evie's birth, seeing as how they now had to share an already tiny room with a big ol' desk.


We bought the desk at the same time we bought new furniture for the toy room... which is actually a dining room, but I couldn't stand to have the girls' cramped room jammed-packed with all their toys.  So we moved the large table from the dining room to the kitchen, and the littler kitchen table to the "toy" room as an art table...

Okay, scratch what I said in the beginning.  Our house started to feel small when we moved all the toys into the dining room.

And now we have our baby girl sharing a room with our nearly three-year-old little boy because we have no other place to put either one of them (which, technically, should be fine for a few years).  And one whole side of their closet is packed with food storage.

Yesterday Kev begged me to let him bring the printer back in our room, because that is the only room where we can use it wirelessly and works better.  So, of course, after bringing it back into our room, he had to walk back-and-forth across the house to place items in to scan and then control the scanner.  I have a feeling the laptop is going to end up in our room ultimately, and my original plans will have been thwarted.

So, yes.  I find it interesting that all throughout the month of gratitude-- the month when so many of my friends are posting daily on Facebook about what they are thankful for-- that I am wallowing in a bit of self-pity.

I want a bigger house.  Not a mansion, but just bigger... with storage space (we have none)... and an office... and another bedroom... and a BIG backyard.  Oh, and a three-car garage, so Kevin has a decent amount of space for his exercise equipment... and so I don't freak out every time he does clean-and-jerks thinking he'll lose his grip on the bar and it will go flying through the van window.

But, alas, we owe more on our house than it's worth (when we originally put 20% down on it), and it's worth about half what we paid for it.  And, unless, we strike it rich overnight, we are stuck.  Literally stuck.  I hate thinking of it that way, but I just feel trapped.  Helpless.

Now, that being said, I'm not so stupid as to not realize that many friends would read this and think that I should count my blessings-- that there are others out there that have it so much worse than me.  No doubt.  But we all have our trials, custom fit to try us and stretch us and direct us in ways the Lord sees fit.  So, personally, I don't like to compare the difficulty of challenges.  In saying I struggle with my own, realize that I'm not saying a thing about the difficulty of anyone else's.

But... because I also realize I'm dwelling mentally in a place that isn't helping me any, I'm going to do as I should.  Count my blessings, that is.

 I am grateful for my family-- for the family that raised me and for the family I am raising.  I could add Allie and Sami to my list of challenges as well, but since I'm trying to feel better right now, I'll just think about how fun and creative and smart they are.  I'm grateful for the memories I have made with them, and that there will be many more in the future.

I am grateful for my husband, and for the way he begs the kids everyday to be good to me.  They ignore him much of the time, but he always hopes that he will come home to a smiling, calm wife.  I'm grateful he doesn't give up hope.

I'm grateful I get to sing with the Chamber Singers... and that my sweet husband is so supportive in bathing and putting all four kids to bed by himself on night a week, so that I can go do something that fills my well.

I'm grateful I don't have to shovel snow or drive next to semis on an icy two-lane freeway anymore.

I'm grateful for the temple, and for the peace and spiritual renewal I feel there... even if it is 1 1/2 hours away  and I have to rush in and then rush out because of having children that need to be picked up from school.  I'm use to the long drive now, and I'm actually grateful for that time it gives Kevin and I to talk.

I'm grateful for a strong back.  If you know my mom, you understand where I'm coming from.

I'm grateful for good health.  It's a miracle that with all the germs that have been floating around this house in the past month, I have escaped them all.  Truly a miracle-- a tender mercy from the Lord.

I'm grateful for modern medicine that allows me to regulate my hypothyroidism, and allows Sami to sleep peacefully through the night even with a runny nose and deep cough.

And, yes, I am grateful for our tiny house.  It may frustrate the heck out of me, but at least I have a roof to keep me dry.  And, I am sure grateful that we can still afford to live in it-- that Kev still has a good job that provides for us.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the living room (that I am so grateful for) to play a board game with my sick little Sami (whom I'm also grateful for) until my other lovely children (I like them, too... most of the time) come home from church.

Wow.  I do feel better. (But I still want a bigger house...)