April... and March...

I could go further back than March, but that would take too long.  I'm still floored that it's nearly Mother's Day...

The first three months of the year always overwhelm me.  You think I'd anticipate it by now, but I don't.  New Year's Day arrives with a sigh of relief.

"Done!" I think to myself.

And then my birthday comes... and I am reminded that I only have just over a month till Allie's birthday.  Then Valentine's Day hits and I am reminded that I've done nothing for her, nor for Sami, whose birthday is two weeks after Allie's.  Panic sets in.  And it doesn't help when both girls gab about their "big" birthday plans nonstop.

Suddenly it's April and I'm racing to the store to buy a bunch of junk to fill Easter baskets.  Not to mention my Mom's birthday, which all too often gets overlooked, unfortunately.

This year has been no different, really.

So like I said, you'd think I'd learn...

The fact that this birthday was Allie's 8th merely added a whole new level of stress... and joy.  Suddenly I not only had a birthday to think about, but a baptism as well.  And being thrown into the planning of something very new isn't easy for me.  I enjoy the challenge, but I worry about the mistakes I'll make along the way.  I know I shouldn't.  It's silly, really.  I mean, as long as there's a font, two witnesses, and Kevin and Allie, we should be good to go, right?  And, thankfully, we had those essential elements.

We were also blessed with the presence of Allie's Grandma and Grandpa Smith, who had graciously made the trip from Utah for the special occasion.  Each gave beautiful talks teaching Allie about the importance of being baptized and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Kevin and I, per Allie's request, sang "Baptism", while Rich Gibson accompanied on the piano, with Doug Markos on guitar.

Nikki Noel made a beautifully delicious strawberry cream cheese cake, which was especially special since the baptism occurred on Allie's birthday.  Apparently her grandma was baptized on her birthday as well!

The Knear family came, with Sabrina sitting right next to Allie in the front row for the whole program.

We were touched by the tremendous support shown by our amazing ward family.  Truly.  It is a family.  I didn't expect so many people to return to the church that evening.  Friends brought treats to share without being asked.  And we ran out of the plates I had brought.

It was a very special day for Allie.  Indeed.

Then the following Friday night we had a birthday party at the house for her.  The plan was to show Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer in the backyard "under the stars"... but then it rained... a lot.  So, we set up the borrowed video projector in the living room, moved couches, and cleared a wall.  I set up a "concession" stand, complete with popcorn, soda, and candy, and Kevin draped some white lights for ambiance.  We ended up with around twenty kids in our living room.  Some from school, some from church.  Allie wore her glittery cream Christmas dress from two Christmases ago.  Gotta wear a party dress!

And then Sami, who had been a bit overshadowed by all this hullabaloo over Allie, dealt with it with a lot of dignity.  Occasionally she would worry that no one would ever make such a fuss over her when she turns eight, but mostly she just enjoyed the festivities.  And she was sincerely excited for Allie.

Sami is good that way.

Allie... well.. isn't.  The following Saturday when it was Sami's birthday, Allie sulked as Sami opened presents.  Are you kidding me?!  She had, basically, two full weekends of celebrating her, and she has to nerve to think about herself on Sami's day?!  To the moon, Allie... 

Sami's activity of choice that day was to go to the zoo, which we did in spite of the insane crowds due to it being not only a Saturday, but St. Patrick's Day.  We really tried to give Sami some special treatment that day.  I hope she felt it.  She is such a special kid, and we adore her.  She may oftentimes annoy the heck out of us (she has a knack for that), but she has a tender heart and a lot of spunk that we cherish.  Unfortunately, part of the territory of being the younger sibling is feeling overshadowed and forgotten.

Although, Drew doesn't seem to feel either of those.  He's "the man" and he knows it.   Go figure.

And, of course, Eve is the baby, and doesn't know anything different than being cooed over by everyone.  But she's also pretty comfortable with my attention being divided.

Oh, and I can't forget about the annual rodeo at the Church ranch.  And a day trip to Sea World.

By the time Easter arrived, I was exhausted.  But I was still able to get some spirituality out of the day.  We don't do the Easter Bunny, and our egg hunt is always preceded by the story of Christ.  We watched some of Ben-Hur, too.

Allie had her 2nd grade Spring Concert a week or so after that.  She was ecstatic about being assigned to play the xylophone for one song.

And on the 28th Kevin and I celebrated out 12th anniversary.  We decided to spend the latter part of the day (the first part Kev and the girls went to the Day of Service project at Palm Bay City Hall) at Sea World for the Viva La Music festival.  We watched the concert of RKM and Ken-Y (some Puerto Rican pop stars), and then went on some rides (together!) and watched two shows before we decided to leave and get some Indian food for dinner.  Our friend Lisa Rogers watched the kids for us for the seven hours we were gone.

And suddenly it's May, and little Baby Eve is inching closer to her first birthday.  What?!  She has been eating solids for the past two and a half weeks.  My memories of Allie as a baby are probably the clearest.  Sadly, with each additional child, that time becomes more and more of a blurr.  So many distractions.  But I hope my sweet Eve feels we love her.  I'm doing my best to soak her in.

School ends in two and half weeks.  Summer is a-knockin'...

Flat Stanley II

At this same time last year, we were hosting Flat Stanley, who had been sent to us by the Ormsbys in Utah.  Now he has come to us again from the Wrights in Texas.  Here are a few of our adventures this week...

Four is Enough

It was a year ago when I was coming to the end of morning sickness.  That persistent, annoying, exhausting nausea that would nag at me every second of everyday, thwarting my efforts to prepare a meal without dry heaving.  Sleep was my best friend, seeing as how that was the only period of time when I did not feel ill.  Our refrigerator was stocked with ginger ale... until I could no longer stand that either.

And then I shortly was on bed rest, too.

I remember feeling completely spent.  Done.  I prayed frequently for strength... and relief.  One time, in particular, I prayed perhaps more fervently than usual.  The response was fairly clear.  "It's okay.  You won't have to do this again."  

I trusted that, and the clearer perspective provided me an added strength to carry on.

Then Eve was born.  The first month was a beast, as usual-- between lack of sleep, an altered routine, and typical soreness from nursing.  We made it through six weeks, and life began its steady move to normalcy again.  I began to wonder if that impression received months earlier was merely my own brain providing me with what I needed at the moment to survive-- hope-- or if it really had come from the Lord.  Maybe there is one more...

I left the thought alone, figuring I would have some time to ponder it more in depth.  Then Evie, at 4 1/2 months, started rolling.  Then a couple weeks later, she was rolling and inching her way towards objects she wanted to chew.  Within weeks of that she was sitting independently... then standing in her crib... and then finally crawling, which she mastered a week ago.  She will be 7 months old at the end of next week.  She won't sit in her swing anymore, and doesn't need the Bumbo we borrowed from the Terrys.  Then there's the bassinet sitting in the corner of our bedroom that she hasn't used since November.  And she hates the blue bouncy seat.  All too confining.  All at once she is coming out of the infant stage, and I am finding that all of these infant items need to be stored, or perhaps just given away.  I figured this was as good a time as any to really make a decision with Kevin about the growth of our family.  So we prayed.  And talked.  But the discussions seemed to go nowhere, as both of us seemed a bit too emotionally wrapped up in whatever thoughts we had. 

Then Friday I decided I needed to clear off our dresser.  A stack of old pictures needed to be returned to the correct albums.  And I was brought to some of the kids' baby books.  Drew sat with me during the process, and I showed him pictures of Allie as a baby, as well as himself.  I had thought that looking back would make me sad, pondering the possibility of never again having a baby in our home.  But, surprisingly, all I felt was happiness-- happiness at having been so fortunate to experience it four times... but also excitement at moving on to a new stage of life.  I didn't feel sad in the least-- just grateful.  And I knew.  Eve is the end.  

And that's okay.

I'm always amazed at the way time moves.  Sometimes, when Allie responds with attitude about cleaning up her room or Sami bursts into tears about losing a shoe, the thought of enduring their presence in our home for the next twelve years seems like it won't come soon enough.  But then, I think about how Allie was baptized just two short weeks ago, and I think, "Really?  Has it already been half a month?"  I think about Sami turning six just yesterday.  I think about how Evie is now closer to her first birthday than she is to her birth.  And I think about the memories I have of that precious time with them.  And in spite of my many mistakes, I mostly remember the good times.  And I can only assume that we will continue to make great memories, even as time presses on, and we all grow older and experience new phases of life.  God didn't intend for us to only be happy when our kids are small... or only when they are grown.  

The end of my child-bearing years means only that.  But when we experience an "end", it just means a new road of life is beginning.  

And I've always loved road trips.

It's Been a While

I rarely write anything anymore.  It's sad really.  Eve is almost six months old, and I have practically written nothing. 

She starting rolling over about a month ago, and I suspect crawling will come soon enough.  Much sooner than it did with Sami or Drew.  Sami just sat around, immobile and happy, till she was 11 months old, for crying out loud!  Drew wasn't too far behind that.  And it took them both forever to figure out how to roll.  I remember getting Sami up from her naps, the back of her head sweaty, her hair matted, and reeking of mildew... all because she didn't move.

Eve doesn't have this problem.  Plus she's bald.

Allie as a baby, hated being a baby.  Couldn't wait to get to the next step to help her be "big." She cried till she could sit up, and then was content until she realized something grander awaited her.  Then she wanted to crawl, then walk... It goes on.  Allie has highs and lows.  She is content with what she has until she realizes that she could have more.  At that point she isn't happy until gets gets it... or at least until she gets distracted and forgets about it for a while.

Eve doesn't seem to have this issue either. 

She enjoys life.  She's happy and patient.  But driven.  I can tell by the way she reaches and squirms to get a toy she wants.  She never cries out of frustration, but just keeps wiggling until she gets there.  That's not to say that she never cries.  She does.  But usually it's just when she's tired, or hungry, or poopy, or just wanting some company. 

Hopefully she can be a calming influence on her emotional-roller-coaster sisters who all too easily allow outside forces to control their happiness.  I sure hope they outgrow that.  I'd hate to see them live a miserable existence all because things don't go their way.  It scares me sometimes...

But, you know, in spite of their craziness, I have been blessed with some terrific kids. 

Allie is creative.  She makes vibrant and unique works of art.  She sings the songs of her heart-- composing as she goes about the house.  She's silly and fun.  Her laugh is happy and contagious.  She's a fantastic reader, and a respectful student.  She's outgoing and friendly, and all the kids at school that know her, love her... because she loves and accepts them.  No exceptions.  She is honest and full of integrity, going out of her way to find the owner of any ol' broken pencil she may find in the hall.  She has a heart of gold.

Sami is imaginative.  To her, a ratty washcloth might be a golden handkerchief or a magical napkin that takes her to a far-away fairy world.  And she takes any willing soul with her-- from her little brother to her 82-year-old great-grandfather.  She is graceful and musical.  She is charming and has a smile her friend Carter says is "beautiful."  She is playful, but conscientious about following rules.  She's compassionate and sensitive to others' feelings.  She loves Jesus and wants everyone to "know Him" just as she does. 

And then there's Drew.  Mr. Energetic.  He follows Sami like a puppy dog, playing along with whatever scheme she has concocted.  He doesn't mind pretending to be her Prince Charming or a Diego-like explorer.  He knows how to play Allie like a puppet, getting her to chase or tackle him, laughing and squealing all the way.  Any figurine, be it his Spider-Man or Buzz Lightyear or even one of the girls' Princes, shoots or fights or falls from great heights... and must be accompanied by some kind of superhero soundtrack that he enthusiastically hums all the way.   He loves music, and always slightly delays getting out of the car for preschool so he can listen to whatever music I have playing in there just a little bit longer.  He gives the best hugs.

As as for Eve...  Well, I think we all know I already believe she is an angel.  Literally.  I look at her and everyday plead with her to not change.  She is observant and quick.  Her smile is pure sunshine.  I think she really does emit Vitamin D, because I don't see how anyone could feel depressed around her.  Her radiant, beautiful face is just a hint at the amazing spirit she carries within her.  Oh, and her laugh!  If fairies really existed, she would have created the most stunning family of fairies with those giggles.

Ahhh...

Let me just take a moment and bask in the happy glow of my children's strengths...

Because in just a few short hours the two older ones will be home from school again, and then...  I'll just leave it at that.

Our House

Our house started to feel smaller when we decided to share the guest room as an office.

I hated having a desk in our bedroom, especially when listening to the clanking sound of the scanner at eleven o'clock at night while Kevin was trying to go through all the food orders, or when getting ousted from my own room because Kevin had to make a private bishop-ly phone call and had nowhere else to go.  So we got rid of the old desk, bought a new one, and put it (and the printer) in the guest room.  It was nice having the desk out of our room, but not so nice for my parents who came to visit during Evie's birth, seeing as how they now had to share an already tiny room with a big ol' desk.


We bought the desk at the same time we bought new furniture for the toy room... which is actually a dining room, but I couldn't stand to have the girls' cramped room jammed-packed with all their toys.  So we moved the large table from the dining room to the kitchen, and the littler kitchen table to the "toy" room as an art table...

Okay, scratch what I said in the beginning.  Our house started to feel small when we moved all the toys into the dining room.

And now we have our baby girl sharing a room with our nearly three-year-old little boy because we have no other place to put either one of them (which, technically, should be fine for a few years).  And one whole side of their closet is packed with food storage.

Yesterday Kev begged me to let him bring the printer back in our room, because that is the only room where we can use it wirelessly and works better.  So, of course, after bringing it back into our room, he had to walk back-and-forth across the house to place items in to scan and then control the scanner.  I have a feeling the laptop is going to end up in our room ultimately, and my original plans will have been thwarted.

So, yes.  I find it interesting that all throughout the month of gratitude-- the month when so many of my friends are posting daily on Facebook about what they are thankful for-- that I am wallowing in a bit of self-pity.

I want a bigger house.  Not a mansion, but just bigger... with storage space (we have none)... and an office... and another bedroom... and a BIG backyard.  Oh, and a three-car garage, so Kevin has a decent amount of space for his exercise equipment... and so I don't freak out every time he does clean-and-jerks thinking he'll lose his grip on the bar and it will go flying through the van window.

But, alas, we owe more on our house than it's worth (when we originally put 20% down on it), and it's worth about half what we paid for it.  And, unless, we strike it rich overnight, we are stuck.  Literally stuck.  I hate thinking of it that way, but I just feel trapped.  Helpless.

Now, that being said, I'm not so stupid as to not realize that many friends would read this and think that I should count my blessings-- that there are others out there that have it so much worse than me.  No doubt.  But we all have our trials, custom fit to try us and stretch us and direct us in ways the Lord sees fit.  So, personally, I don't like to compare the difficulty of challenges.  In saying I struggle with my own, realize that I'm not saying a thing about the difficulty of anyone else's.

But... because I also realize I'm dwelling mentally in a place that isn't helping me any, I'm going to do as I should.  Count my blessings, that is.

 I am grateful for my family-- for the family that raised me and for the family I am raising.  I could add Allie and Sami to my list of challenges as well, but since I'm trying to feel better right now, I'll just think about how fun and creative and smart they are.  I'm grateful for the memories I have made with them, and that there will be many more in the future.

I am grateful for my husband, and for the way he begs the kids everyday to be good to me.  They ignore him much of the time, but he always hopes that he will come home to a smiling, calm wife.  I'm grateful he doesn't give up hope.

I'm grateful I get to sing with the Chamber Singers... and that my sweet husband is so supportive in bathing and putting all four kids to bed by himself on night a week, so that I can go do something that fills my well.

I'm grateful I don't have to shovel snow or drive next to semis on an icy two-lane freeway anymore.

I'm grateful for the temple, and for the peace and spiritual renewal I feel there... even if it is 1 1/2 hours away  and I have to rush in and then rush out because of having children that need to be picked up from school.  I'm use to the long drive now, and I'm actually grateful for that time it gives Kevin and I to talk.

I'm grateful for a strong back.  If you know my mom, you understand where I'm coming from.

I'm grateful for good health.  It's a miracle that with all the germs that have been floating around this house in the past month, I have escaped them all.  Truly a miracle-- a tender mercy from the Lord.

I'm grateful for modern medicine that allows me to regulate my hypothyroidism, and allows Sami to sleep peacefully through the night even with a runny nose and deep cough.

And, yes, I am grateful for our tiny house.  It may frustrate the heck out of me, but at least I have a roof to keep me dry.  And, I am sure grateful that we can still afford to live in it-- that Kev still has a good job that provides for us.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the living room (that I am so grateful for) to play a board game with my sick little Sami (whom I'm also grateful for) until my other lovely children (I like them, too... most of the time) come home from church.

Wow.  I do feel better. (But I still want a bigger house...)