Four is Enough

It was a year ago when I was coming to the end of morning sickness.  That persistent, annoying, exhausting nausea that would nag at me every second of everyday, thwarting my efforts to prepare a meal without dry heaving.  Sleep was my best friend, seeing as how that was the only period of time when I did not feel ill.  Our refrigerator was stocked with ginger ale... until I could no longer stand that either.

And then I shortly was on bed rest, too.

I remember feeling completely spent.  Done.  I prayed frequently for strength... and relief.  One time, in particular, I prayed perhaps more fervently than usual.  The response was fairly clear.  "It's okay.  You won't have to do this again."  

I trusted that, and the clearer perspective provided me an added strength to carry on.

Then Eve was born.  The first month was a beast, as usual-- between lack of sleep, an altered routine, and typical soreness from nursing.  We made it through six weeks, and life began its steady move to normalcy again.  I began to wonder if that impression received months earlier was merely my own brain providing me with what I needed at the moment to survive-- hope-- or if it really had come from the Lord.  Maybe there is one more...

I left the thought alone, figuring I would have some time to ponder it more in depth.  Then Evie, at 4 1/2 months, started rolling.  Then a couple weeks later, she was rolling and inching her way towards objects she wanted to chew.  Within weeks of that she was sitting independently... then standing in her crib... and then finally crawling, which she mastered a week ago.  She will be 7 months old at the end of next week.  She won't sit in her swing anymore, and doesn't need the Bumbo we borrowed from the Terrys.  Then there's the bassinet sitting in the corner of our bedroom that she hasn't used since November.  And she hates the blue bouncy seat.  All too confining.  All at once she is coming out of the infant stage, and I am finding that all of these infant items need to be stored, or perhaps just given away.  I figured this was as good a time as any to really make a decision with Kevin about the growth of our family.  So we prayed.  And talked.  But the discussions seemed to go nowhere, as both of us seemed a bit too emotionally wrapped up in whatever thoughts we had. 

Then Friday I decided I needed to clear off our dresser.  A stack of old pictures needed to be returned to the correct albums.  And I was brought to some of the kids' baby books.  Drew sat with me during the process, and I showed him pictures of Allie as a baby, as well as himself.  I had thought that looking back would make me sad, pondering the possibility of never again having a baby in our home.  But, surprisingly, all I felt was happiness-- happiness at having been so fortunate to experience it four times... but also excitement at moving on to a new stage of life.  I didn't feel sad in the least-- just grateful.  And I knew.  Eve is the end.  

And that's okay.

I'm always amazed at the way time moves.  Sometimes, when Allie responds with attitude about cleaning up her room or Sami bursts into tears about losing a shoe, the thought of enduring their presence in our home for the next twelve years seems like it won't come soon enough.  But then, I think about how Allie was baptized just two short weeks ago, and I think, "Really?  Has it already been half a month?"  I think about Sami turning six just yesterday.  I think about how Evie is now closer to her first birthday than she is to her birth.  And I think about the memories I have of that precious time with them.  And in spite of my many mistakes, I mostly remember the good times.  And I can only assume that we will continue to make great memories, even as time presses on, and we all grow older and experience new phases of life.  God didn't intend for us to only be happy when our kids are small... or only when they are grown.  

The end of my child-bearing years means only that.  But when we experience an "end", it just means a new road of life is beginning.  

And I've always loved road trips.