It has been a while. A long while, admittedly.
Life has overwhelmed me to the point where I don't even know where to begin-- what to tackle first. So, oftentimes, the bigger, but less urgent tasks (such as documenting our lives) gets put on hold. I'm not sure if I ever prioritize correctly, which leaves me feeling extremely inadequate. And then I read about all that my wonderful friends are able to accomplish in a day-- clean the house, bake a birthday cake from scratch, take kids to school and activities, sew new curtains, read a book, AND post on Facebook-- and I realize I'm completely deficient. My house is an organizational and decorative nightmare. Toys and art projects are strewn throughout the entire house, compact as it is. I try to keep up with it, but the girls draw new pictures "worth saving" everyday (and their box where they place those pictures is constantly overflowing... even after I sort through and empty it). And no matter how many toys we give to Goodwill, someone is always giving them more-- new little toys from Easter, toys their own kids are too grown up to enjoy anymore, or stupid little toys from McDonald's.
And the minute I sit down to write something that I feel would be therapeutic for an ailing psyche, I have my oldest child whining about how she is hungry and wants breakfast.
Nevermind the fact that I have been weeping about my weaknesses since last night. Nope, not important.
I'm not saying all this to elicit any kind of compliments or comments on how "great" I am. Honestly, as Kevin told me this morning, no matter how much people try to encourage me, the only way I'm going to feel better about myself is if I feel good about who I see, not if others feel good about who they see. And I don't have the greatest view right now-- I'm neither sitting on a high peak, nor is my valley much to look at. Seems a bit of a barren wasteland.
No, I'm expressing all of this because it brings me some solace to do so. If it depresses you or makes you feel sorry for me, I'm sorry. But I just have to do it-- have to sort out all of these negative thoughts.
I realize what I have working against me. Being six months pregnant saps me of a lot of energy, and being the bishop's wife leaves me to parent alone a lot (which I'm used to after having been a Scoutmaster's wife for over five years). In the past two months, I have battled two cases of bronchitis and two cases of strep among my kids as well as sinus infections for Kev and me, leaving me unable to leave my house for much other than doctor's visits and prescriptions. Add on top of that, the normal school/dance routine, plus a recital, and choir concerts for me, and you have my life.
And while I should be getting us all started on cleaning the house (since we're leaving on a plane for San Diego tomorrow), instead I'm sitting here writing.
And I'm left again to question my priorities.
Truthfully, no matter what choice I'd make, I'd still question my priorities. Did I make the "right" choice? Am I going to suffer from it? Are my kids going to grow up needing therapy because I chose to sit here and write something (first time in months) instead of starting the family on chores?
And now that I look at things, the answers to those questions seem pretty simple simple... and silly. Obviously, when I'm doing my best to tend to the needs of my family (and myself), there's no real "right" choice. If I have to put off printing out and sorting hundreds of photographs so that I can help a sick child, so be it. Or if that means I can't get to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make a more stellar meal, leaving me to burritos and spaghetti (or even ordering out), so be it. Or if I have to sacrifice having an orderly house so that my kids can enjoy their millions (and billions) of toys and art supplies...well, at least they're happy. And of course, no child in their right mind is going to grow up with psychological issues because of any of that. No one would go see a therapist because their childhood home was a bit disorganized or not decorated according to the latest trends, or even because the bathrooms weren't spotless... unless, of course, they have OCD.
And I certainly don't believe that the Lord would walk into my home and shake a disproving finger at me for missing a few months of writing our family history because of illness, doctor's visits, and pure exhaustion.
Everything that needs to get done will get done. I just need to have some patience.
I also need to get my tail into the kitchen to have to some breakfast. I'm starving.
2 years ago
6 comments:
I could comment and tell you how wonderful you are, but... you requested that we don't do that. So... I'll just say - stop by my house unexpectedly sometime and you'll find that you are normal. When I start feeling overwhelmed like that, it is time for a vacation. So... my advise - enjoy every minute of your vacation and ignore your mess that is left behind:) Family memories are everything!! We don't take our messy houses with us after this life.
Oh... and by the way, as I've told you a million times - you are an amazing writer!!
Nice comments may not help, but prayers do. I'm praying for your family. Like, literally, not, like, where you say you're praying for someone when really you're just sort of thinking of them every once in a while.
I agree with the comment made by Weatherspoon Family. You should see my place right now.
I have three baskets of unfolded laundry (from Monday). Toys are all over the place. It's a wreck. But growing up, our place was always a wreck. I think it's almost impossible to have it otherwise while you have young kids.
I only just barely got out and did the grocery shopping myself on Tuesday night--the first time in three months. The only time I could do it was at 9:30 p.m. The groceries didn't get put away until 11 p.m....and then I had to exercise (or I'll never lose this blasted baby weight!). Jeremiah has been going grocery shopping the past three months--which is sweet of him--but he would constantly come home with the wrong items or ingredients and I'd simply have to get creative on how to use them. Blah!
Pete is REALLY into the terrible two's. He had to go into time out at least 5 times during a two hour period yesterday.
It is hard to have your husband gone so much. Jeremiah is in Young Men's and he is going to school in the evenings. Poor Laurie's husband is doing his residency and she said some weeks he works 90 hours (at work) and another ten hours at home. She feels really lonely.
Plus, you have to cut yourself some major slack because you are pregnant...and that complicates EVERYTHING.
I think being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job in the whole world. And I think you're doing a great job.
It's all about priorities. Sometimes sickness and other small family emergencies push other important things out of the picture for awhile, but that isn't going to hurt your family in any way.
And everyone needs a good cry from time to time. And writing it all out is extremely therapeutic. I hope you're feeling a little better today than you were five days ago.
I love you.
Sorry, I know my last comment was really long. I just thought of one more thing.
I know that, for me at least, I am a better mom when I make sure to take the time to do something for ME. In no way are you being a bad mom by taking time to write out your feelings on your blog. You should make sure to take the time to do more things like that.
It keeps us stay-at-home moms sane!
You know, I've had these same feelings before and it is not fun. I find that although I do as much as I can (most of the time) it is never enough for the comparisons I have in my head. Sometimes reading other people's stories are hard, too, because although they might be just trying to think of the positive as they write, I think of how good it is for them and how badly I'm feeling at the time. The other hard part is knowing that I should be feeling like a daughter of infinite worth all the time and the fact that I don't feel that way all the time.
What has helped, though, is to know that I am not alone. I know many women who do this same thing. Satan is trying to pull us down because he knows how important we are. The other thing is to learn to recognize when I am having irrational thoughts, or thoughts blown out of proportion, etc. and work through those thoughts until they are back to good. Let's face it. If we got out of bed, helped the kids stay alive and somewhat healthy, and told each of them (and our husband) we love them that day, we've succeeded.
You are loved and understood!
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