Sometimes...

How do I feel about being a mom? Huh, well now, that depends. If you had asked me fifteen minutes ago, I probably would have bitten your head off for even bringing up the subject. It's just so dang difficult to get Allie moving when I want to get out the door. And it's so dang difficult to get that child to do anything by herself-- to be independent. So, I was pretty ticked this morning, trying to push Allie to get to her room and get dressed so we could go on a walk before Sami's nap. She wasn't cooperating, so I threw her clothes at her and said, "Fine. Do it yourself. See ya." And I left the room. She was half-heartedly "trying" to put her shorts on, and when I walked in, they were on backwards. Ugh. I got her to switch them around, and then said, "Okay, put your shirt on now." She complained and pulled at her PJ shirt-- she wasn't really trying, but just pretended like there was some effort by tugging at the sleeve. After positioning her hands, and helping a little it came off, I handed her a shirt to wear. Again, just like the shorts, she began putting it on backwards. I flipped out.

"What are you doing?!" I yelled. And in turning her shirt around, I accidentally caught on her hair and pulled some of it. She screamed, I don't think so much because it hurt, but mainly because she's melodramatic. Okay, I'm done, I thought. And I left her room, and put myself in "time out" in my bedroom. I stood there for a moment, and then went back to get Sami before Allie could take out her anger on her little sis, which typically means a good smack on the head. I sat on my bed with Sami for a minute or two, and after changing Sami's diaper, went back to Allie's room to give her a hug and apologize, mainly because I'm the grown-up and the one that should be in control... and I wasn't. I sure hope our kids don't grow up with "issues."

It's moments like that when I wonder why on earth an impatient, selfish person like me is a mother. I try so hard to have that patience and selflessness I seem to see in almost every other mother I meet. I wonder why, too, it seems like my children "take the cake" when it comes to irritating and trying behavior. Well, at least Allie does-- Sami's just the queen of whine.

But then, like now, I hear Allie "reading" out loud to herself on my bed, and her sweet little toddler voice melts my heart. Or I'll walk in to get Sami up from her nap, to see her smile at me and say, "Hi!" Those are the times I love and cherish-- the times I want to capture in my mind, with no detail forgotten or overlooked.

Of course, now Allie has given up the books and has decided to whine to me about wanting to play "Pinky Dinky Doo games on da compootuh."

I'm reminded of a line from the hymn "More Holiness Give Me."

"More patience in suffering..." Amen!