"Perfection"

It's no wonder so many LDS women suffer from depression.

I have just been browsing friends' blogs (since the only time I actually do that is when I update my own...). Incredible sewing projects, cooking endeavors, canning pounds of summer fruit, flawless family portraits, babies born at home with midwives, spotless and organized homes, church leadership callings, etc. I could go on... really.

If you haven't guessed, these are all weaknesses of mine. I basically taught myself how to sew. It's painful and laborious, and I'd rather do almost anything else. My kids would rather I do something else, too, because they know when I mess up I'll throw a fit and something will fly across the room.

Okay, cooking isn't a weakness (anymore), but grocery shopping is. And I'm also not ambitious enough to start a cooking blog.

I have no idea how to can food. I buy Dole Mandarine oranges and pineapple chunks.

It has been a while since we did family pictures, but we've never gone anywhere but JC Penney. And my teeth were really yellow at the time.

I can't have a baby outside of a hospital (doomed to c-sections), nor do I think I have it in me to have a lot of kids. Hmmm... patience? Nope. Tolerance of chaos? Zero.

And my house, while decently clean, is far from clutter-free and organized. I enlist my kids to help, and they fight me tooth-and-nail the whole way.

I have never been in an auxiliary presidency the entire time we have lived in Florida. I'm not complaining, but just saying that I think members of the Church (myself included at times) tend to believe that the strongest members of the ward are leading it.

It's much too easy to look at all of these areas where I lack and think that I am less than I should be. If I were a "good" wife... or If I were a patient mother...

But here's the reality. The Celestial Kingdom isn't going to keep out women who sent their husbands to a barber or buy pricey shoes. The Lord won't shun women who get an epidural during childbirth or spend their whole lives faithfully serving "only" as the Relief Society pianist. And I won't be on the "left hand" for buying commercially canned food and purchasing my kids clothes from Target or Old Navy, or even for buying something that's not on sale (gasp).

I just sat down with a member of both the bishopric and stake presidency a couple weeks ago to renew my temple recommend. They asked key questions regarding my faith. I gave honest answers. And I broke-in that brand new recommend at the temple, the House of the Lord, this past week.

And I am reminded that that's what's important.

P.S. Just to clarify, I am not pining for a leadership calling. While I haven't had any here, I've had them elsewhere. Having one is, as Kevin has described, a two-edged sword. It's flattering to receive the call, knowing that the Lord has confidence in you, that He considers you capable and worthy. And there is a closeness of the Spirit, I have found, that comes as a result of having stewardship over other members of the ward. But with that calling comes an enormous amount of stress and work-- meetings, reports, activities to plan, problems to tackle, service to render. It can be overwhelming. So, while it's easy to be fooled into thinking that by not being extended a leadership calling that you're not wanted or needed, the truth is that we are. And those that have such a full-time service calling sacrifice more time and energy than many others are willing to give. Believe me, it's not something to covet.

Okay, so it has been nearly two months...

Keeping track of our lives has gotten away from me. It's too bad, really. I'm sure there are plenty of funny moments and conversations that I won't remember because of that. But, you know, sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to sit down and write about everything. But a couple months ago, I did notice that even when I didn't have time to write something long and detailed, I could always take a moment and update my Facebook status. I looked back on many of those, and found some really good stuff in there! So, I created a Word document where I copied and pasted my status posts for as far back as I could, and I continue to keep it as I continue to post. It has been like my mini-journal when I have a lapse in my official journal.

The girls are both a month and a half into the school year. The varying reports I get at the end of their school day is so telling of their personalities. Sami comes home to tell me who she played with during the day. For Sami, socializing is vital, akin to food or water (although, even those don't seem to be a priority with her oftentimes). If she can't get any of us to play with her, she sits with her pink blanket and cries about how nobody likes her.

For Allie, socializing is a perk of school, but she could do with or without it. If she plays alone, no sweat. She'll come home from school, pull out a chapter book (like Junie B. Jones or The Magic Treehouse) and plow through it for an hour till she finishes it, all while her sister is sitting at her feet begging to play with her. No, Allie's major concern is whether or not she got picked to go to the treasure box. Yes, the child is quite materialistic. However, her teacher talks about how sweet she is-- with "a heart of gold," as she put it. I'd have to agree. The girl is extremely compassionate and considerate. She even came up with the idea to round up a group of friends during recess to pick up trash around the playground. Of course, it wasn't long before all the girls thought they were each in charge and started fighting over who was the boss, which led to a discussion with Mrs. Kohlstedt. But still... she's a good kid. A bit scattered and distracted, with her mind almost always anywhere but where it needs to be, but she's very bright and creative. The best word I can come up with is eccentric.

Sami and Drew may not be as eccentric as their big sister, but they love to make each other laugh-- tackling each other on the floor or playing monsters.

Sami has been playing a word game with me lately. She worships Allie, and wants to read and draw just like her. Her coloring is really pretty good because she tries so hard to emulate Allie-- to keep up. And she gets frustrated when she can't do as good a job as she'd like. Sounds a bit like her mama...

But right before school started we enjoyed a quick visit from Aunt Mallory, making sure to see the butterfly exhibit at the zoo, as well as take a tour of the police department when the station had an Open House. We also got in an evening Manatees baseball game-- well, a third of one.

With the start of school also came the start of dance lessons. The academy is growing rapidly, which is exciting for the teacher, but a bummer for us. More students means a longer recital, which really bums me out. But the girls love it.

With our lives being so scheduled, we don't have much time for anything else. Although, we did get to have a Disney weekend a few weeks ago... on the very same weekend my high school friend Shannan was there from Tennessee with her family. We met up at Downtown Disney Thursday evening to hug and talk for ten minutes or so. I almost cried when I saw her face, since we hadn't seen each other in twelve years. After we parted, our family ate dinner at the Rainforest Cafe, and then stayed the night in a hotel on the Disney property. The next morning we got an early start at Epcot. The girls were disappointed at first when they realized there was no castle, but quickly forgot about their disappointment when they discovered we could actually go inside that gigantic big ball in the front. They loved touring the different countries, adding a charm and stamp from each land to the masks they had colored while in "Mexico." We stayed through the fireworks, went back to the hotel to crash, and then, upon checking out the next morning, took a detour to Green Meadows Petting Farm in Kissimmee on the way home.

The following weekend, Kevin got his birthday present. Of course, his birthday was nearly a month ago, but his present was a trip to Tallahassee to go the FSU football game against BYU. Our good friends the Weatherspoons graciously took Allie and Sami for a couple days, and Kevin and I drove with Drew to the game. Despite having to walk by all the drunks outside the frat houses, the fans were good to us. And despite the sun beating down on us for most of the game (and making we sweat through my shorts), we didn't get sunburned (SPF 100 is awesome...) and had great fun. Yes, the Cougs lost miserably, but at least then we got to leave without anyone wanting to beat us up.

Oh, I forgot to mention Drew's swimming lessons. Once the girls started school, I thought it would be fun to put Drew's in parent/tot lessons. He loved jumping in the pool from the side, hated swimming with the "noodle," loved to splash, and despised the slide (although he had no problem climbing the steps before "chickening out"). His lessons lasted for a month, which was all I could handle, really. We had fun together, but fighting his urge to let go of me and drown himself was exhausting. I think Drew's favorite part, though, was seeing four of his friends from Nursery at church that had all signed up for the same class.

We're looking forward to General Conference this weekend. We don't have cable to be able to watch it on BYUTV, so we just pull it up from lds.org. It's funny... my grandma, who isn't even a member of the Church, actually watches Conference. I understand why. It's peaceful. It's powerful... and empowering. There are moments when our home feels as close to heaven as we're going to get-- when we pray together, when we read the scriptures together, when we enjoy beautiful and inspiring music together, and when we listen to the Lord's chosen servants together.

Now, in stark contrast, I have just turned on an Elmo CD for Drew to listen to. It was either that or play the Wiggles DVD for the millionth time in the past three weeks.

Help.

In the Past Month

Tomorrow Allie starts 1st grade. On Wednesday of this past week we actually stopped over at the school to meet her teacher and drop off her school supplies. Her teacher is a doll, so all is well at this point. But I am not looking forward to having to adhere to a schedule again. The freedom of the summer was glorious-- waking up after 7am, lingering around the house in my PJs, not having to cart the girls to dance lessons (and force Drew to miss his nap-- oy), etc. Other than the moments of drama and sibling arguments, it really has been a fun summer... and I will miss having Allie and Sami around. Sami will definitely miss Allie this week, since she doesn't start preschool until the next, and so will I since Sami will probably be begging me to play with her the whole week. But I am looking forward to that one-on-one time with Drew when she goes back to school, since this year he isn't taking a morning nap to eat up all that free time while Sami is gone. I've signed him up for parent/tot swim lessons that start next week as well. Hopefully he won't try to drown himself like he usually does.

That little boy... Allie and Sami were never as physical as he is, nor were they ever as interested in violence. The kids really don't watch much TV-- maybe some PBS or Qubo cartoons. But we have been watching Billy Quan videos on YouTube lately. I remember watching Billy Quan with my brother on Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Kevin remembers them from a Seattle comedy show from the 90s, Almost Live! My dad reminded me of them in lieu of a Father's Day Kung Fu e-card I had sent him. Think of the corniest English-dubbed Japanese movie you can, add some silly dialogue and comical slapstick and you have Billy Quan. Drew loves these things. He pleads with me in his intense, raspy voice to watch them ("Bi' Q'an! Mama, Bi' Q'an!"). When I cave in, and lift him to see the computer screen, he beams and wiggles excitedly when he hears that fake Japanese accent-- "It's time for... Mind Your Manners with Billy Quan. Today's episode... 8 Ball of Fury." A few weeks ago, all five of sat in front of the laptop and watching probably four or five short episodes. When the last one finished, Drew, who was sitting in Kevin's arms, turned to his dad, and karate-chopped Kev's face with both hands while yelling "H-ya!" Yeah... I felt like a bad mom... until my own mom told me he probably would have come up with that move on his own anyway.

Aside from spending too much time watching Billy Quan this month, the girls had another session of swim lessons, and "aced" it. Seriously, they did really well. I'm not saying they're going to be Olympic athletes or anything, but my definition of "doing well" is being willing and obedient, and they were both. Their teachers absolutely loved having them in their classes because they would actually listen and cooperate... and have fun, to boot! It's nice to know they really do know how to cooperate. I'm hoping someday they apply that skill at home.

They also got to go on another bowling outing with Sabrina and James. Bowling isn't too much fun for Drew yet. I spent most of the time keeping him out of other lanes, or watching his little fingers as he played with the other bowling balls on the shelf. The big kids just took their turns rolling the ball down the kiddie ramp, the ball bouncing lightly off the bumpers... just to get spare or the rare strike. And aside from the teenager sitting at the stools behind us occasionally blaring out profanity, we had a good time.

Kevin attended Scout Camp for the fifth time since his call as the Scoutmaster in our ward five years ago. It seemed like they all had a good time. Although it is always a long week having him away, all the swim and singing lessons help break it up a bit. That Friday I also took the kids to the stake center across from the temple in Orlando to watch Jill's kids so she could attend a session. Both our husbands were gone, as was the other family that's part of our temple group, so I only had to watch my three and her two. We decided to make a day of it, and head over to Downtown Disney afterward with the intention to eat at McDonald's and let the kids play. Too bad McDonald's had been closed down for some reason. So instead, we ate at T-Rex, a ridiculously expensive dinosaur-themed restaurant that had a "thunderstorm" every 25-30 minutes where every mechanical dinosaur or creature in the place roared and chittered and chattered. After an hour, the kids were finally used to it, and stopped screaming in fear for their lives every time it happened. Oh, and the service was slow. We didn't get out of there till nearly two hours later. Then a quick visit to the Disney Princess store, and then we drove home. Good friends are priceless!

Earlier in the month for Independence Day, we went to see the fireworks down by the Indian River. A couple young women handed out small American flags to wave, and another group of young men sold glow-in-the-dark bands. The girls asked us for the bands, and we said "no." A family near us had bought some for their kids, and Allie and Sami watched them play with their new toys happily. Suddenly the mother approached me and asked if she could buy one for each of our girls. She was so sincere, and I thought the offer was kind, so I said it was okay. But the fireworks started not too long after that. They were pretty good, in spite of the rain that had poured down all day long. We endured some sprinkles, but nothing that drenched us.

And once again we have a rainy Sunday! Thank goodness! We have been battling chinch bugs in our lawn because it has been so dry. But I love the rain, too, because it cools things off... and because the day seems so peaceful to me. Life just seems to slow down a bit when it rains. Half of us are taking naps-- Drew, Kev, and Mallory, who came for a last-minute visit this week-- Allie and Sami are playing fairly quietly, and I have a moment to sit down and write.

The Joy of Singing

Since June, Allie has been taking a group singing class over at the Henegar Center in Downtown Melbourne. My friend Rosie from the Chamber Singers teaches the class. Yesterday morning, the kids had their recital, performing the spirituals they had learned, as well as the hand bell pieces. The recital was also a variety show, showcasing special numbers the kids themselves had prepared. After two weeks of mulling it over, Allie decided on "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables. She sang it beautifully! And I give her a huge "kudos" for having the courage to get up and sing it in front of a huge group of people. But we had a talk about how the gift of singing is meant to be used to bring joy to others (as well as ourselves), and performing for others is how we can do just that. We prayed that she would just have fun and do her best. And she did! Yea, Allie! For some reason, though, she was a bit softer on her solo than she was during the group numbers, but she still did fantastic. What a great kid!

Allie and her singing teacher Mrs. Cocker

Pixie Hollow

Allie and Sami have an obsession with anything girlie. Barbies, princesses, dresses, the color pink... and fairies. Well, perhaps I need to be more specific-- excuse me... (a-hem) Disney fairies. You know, Tinkerbell and all of her fairy friends from Pixie Hollow that the geniuses at Disney created to milk even more money out of the families whose daughters are also already obsessed with the Disney princesses.

Last Sunday, after spending a good hour after church coloring in a Tinkerbell coloring book, Allie came to me as I sat on the couch glancing through my Cooking Light magazine.

"Mom, can we make Pixie Dust?" I looked at her, and she proceeded to explain how she and Sami wanted to go to Pixie Hollow, but they had to jump into the picture in the book, and couldn't do that without Pixie Dust to sprinkle on their heads. Honestly, my first instinct was a big fat "No way! What a mess!" but I decided not to respond that way. After listening to her explanation, I thought I would humor her. "Okay, Allie, let's go in the kitchen."

I poured salt in a bowl (I figured salt would be less sticky and messy than sugar), dyed it golden yellow with food coloring, and finished it off with a bit of glitter. Voila! Pixie Dust! The girls grabbed their magic wands, and cast some spells and did some dances to make the Dust "work." Then they grabbed the coloring book and went out to the driveway (which is where I banish the children who want to sprinkle Pixie Dust--- I don't want that nasty stuff in my house).

They placed the open book on the ground, sprinkled themselves liberally with Pixie Dust, held hands, counted to three, closed their eyes, and jumped onto the book. Naturally, nothing happened. They opened their eyes and peeked out. Then their shoulders slumped, and Allie's face scrunched up. "Maybe we need to more Pixie Dust..." So they each put another tablespoon each on their heads. Sami had the brilliant idea to pray. Kevin made the comment after viewing the pictures, that he's never seen them so reverent. Can you blame them? This is serious business! Another count to three and a leap on the book and... nothing. They were overcome with despair... until they realized that (duh!) they needed to be in "nature clothes" to go to Pixie Hollow. So into the house, off with their dresses, and into their "nature" dresses.

For good measure, they went about the house gathering any fairy books they could find, as well as their Tinkerbell and Queen Clarion (the queen of Pixie Hollow) dolls. Once they went back outside, they piled their fairy objects on top of the book... perhaps to let the fairies know that they were friends and meant them no harm. Actually, I guess I'm not really sure what they were doing. All I know is that they were desperate. Allie yelled, "We're coming, fairies!" And again with the sprinkle of dust (the rest of it, actually), the holding hands, the count to three, and the jump. After the third failed attempt, they tried one more time...

Sami wasn't really all that surprised it didn't work, but she pretended to be upset. Allie shed some tears as they gathered their things and walked back into the house.

We then sat on the bed and had a discussion about what the scriptures say God really created. I pointed out that the book of Genesis doesn't mention fairies, letting her draw her own conclusions. She wasn't too thrilled with that...

... until I offered the girls an ice pop. Then all was water under the bridge.