Contention

Sometimes it feels like the spirit of contention only exists in our home. Some kind of war is pretty much always waging... and it exhausts me. Most of those battles are fought with Sami. She is bound and determined to win, as am I. But I do win, after a heartfelt exchange of gunfire-- Sami's ammunition being that of ignoring me and then firing hurtful words, mine being repeated commands and then ultimatums. Like I said, I do win, but it sure takes a lot out of me, which, I suppose is what she wants.

I realize I'm young and ignorant and have a lot to learn, but don't we all have a lot to learn?

I sat yesterday morning reading in the book of Mosiah, having just begun the account of Alma and his people in the wilderness. I got to about verse 19, when what I had just read in verse 15 finally caught up with me, and I had to backtrack and read that verse again, slowly, pondering its meaning. I had read the words many times before, but never in this way.

"Thus did Alma teach his people, that every man should love his neighbor as himself, that there should be no contention among them."

We are commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves, and I had thought I always knew what that meant. But I had never connected that to avoiding contention before. But as I read it, it made perfect sense.

What happens when we put ourselves, our own needs, our own thoughts, our own ideas, our own feelings above another, giving ourselves precedence or greater importance? We fight, we stew, we argue, we grow bitter. And that is contention. The contention having stemmed from an unwillingness to put someone else and their needs, thoughts, ideas, and feelings at least on an equal plane with our own, which I believe is what it means to love our neighbors as ourselves.

I thought that was fascinating until I saw an image of me battling with Sami. I reread the verse several times, realizing I was the one causing contention.

My mom once told me when I was fighting with my brother on an Easter Sunday when I was about sixteen, that I was the "spirit of contention" in our home. Looks like not much has changed...

I stared down at my scriptures knowing that I have not been validating Sami's wants and feelings. I'll admit that I have always felt my agenda to be "more important." Of course, she views her own agenda in the same way, but she's only three! Goodness! I am thirty-one! I should have a better understanding of this than her...

And then I got to thinking about what exactly I have felt to be "important" and why, and if those things were really as important as I thought they were, and if they were worth the battle, etc. But that's another story...