Am I a Good Mom?

Warning: This post may offend some people, but that honestly isn't the intention. I'm just trying to keep it real, yo.

I know I've essentially said this before, but one of the hardest things about being a mother for me is knowing that my children's poor behavior reflects on me-- but not as much their good behavior as the opposite, because, see, no one really notices too much when your child is not being a disturbance as much as when she is. I'm sure there are an innumerable number of people in the ward who, while they may like Kev and I as people, think we bite as parents considering the way Kev and I spend the entire meeting holding screaming children in the foyer during Sacrament Meeting. Case in point...

Kev's parents had to take the girls to church without us while we were in DC. Sacrament Meeting went for them how it always goes for us-- you're lucky if you catch two words of anything. After the meeting, an older sister in the ward came up to Mom Smith and said, "Don't feel like you're a bad grandma because of the way they're acting-- they're just as bad when their parents are here." It doesn't help that this is coming from a sister whom I think doesn't really like me much anyway.

Another example... Today I took Allie to swimming lessons. After all the classes for that time had ended, a small group of us stood underneath the umbrella getting kids dry and gathering our things. One friend carried her 21-month-old out of the pool, as the little girl cried-- seemed like she didn't want to leave the pool. Mind you, it wasn't the screaming and thrashing that comes from Allie if you have to take her away from something she's enjoying, so I really didn't think anything of the crying-- I figured, she's a kid, and what kid ever understands why you have to stop doing something fun? However, my friend lamented about her daughter having issues with obedience at the moment. Then another friend praised her efforts in teaching obedience to her daughter. Okay, I know my friend is very consistent, admirably consistent, but I honestly think I work just as hard-- her daughter is, however, naturally more obedient and cooperative and amiable than Allie, which many kids are, I think. She knows that her daughter tends to be pretty easy-going, and fully admits this, by the way. Perhaps I was being a bit sensitive, but I just felt like that compliment to my friend was also a shot at me, since that complimenter actually spends time with Allie once every week and ends up telling me about all the bad things Allie does. If Allie ever does anything good, it's because she was being asked or even compelled. She makes it seem, unintentionally, like Allie is never good on her own, which I know is not true, especially considering I know she behaves better for people who aren't her parents.

You see, many parents tend to expect perfection out of their own children-- they believe that their kids, and every other kid, should fit into this mold, and then get after them them when they think they're faltering. Are my friend's kids good kids? Yeah! Perfect? No way. Is that acceptable? You bet! And as much as she may doubt this fact when her kids make a mistake, is she a good mom? Of course.

I realize I shouldn't get annoyed when people judge me as a mother according to Allie's actions-- bad or good. Although I realized it's usually just the bad. After all, who are they to judge? So many people who are good parents, just as I think Kev and I are, just have easier kids. No offense, but it's true. Although, many good parents have difficult children as well. We happen to have both. However, Sami is developing an ornery streak in her. Parents can't look at how their kids turned out and say, as long as they tried to be obedient to God, that it was either all because of their hard work, or all their fault. That's a load of garbage. While Lehi and Sariah were parents to a prophet, they were also parents to some wayward sons that led a whole line of descendants astray. How should we label them? Or how about the ultimate, perfect parent-- Heavenly Father? A third part of his children rebelled, one of them being the leader and becoming a dude badder than bad. Would anyone care to judge the Almighty as a parent? I didn't think so. The point is, kids have agency-- it's a gift we've all been given. We can teach them obedience, but they still have the agency to say, "I know you want me to be obedient, but I'm going to do what I want." That's their choice. Of course, we discipline. But the idea of discipline is not to compell your children to be obedient, but rather to show them that there are consequences for their actions. Who wants their children to be mindless robots? Obedient, sure, but do they think for themselves? I want our kids to be obedient because they want to be obedient. It's hard as Allie gets older, and choosing my battles is difficult to remember. I look forward to day when that becomes second nature.

It's funny, I started out this entry feeling a bit sorry for myself-- like if everyone else believes I'm a bad mom, then I must be. But now, I think I actually feel sorry for those that have sat and judged me, because most likely, they're judging themselves in exactly the same way. They watch their kids' actions and grade themselves accordingly. That puts a lot of pressure on the family. The parents expect perfection out their kids, which makes the kids expect perfection out of themselves, or perhaps the children rebel, believing they can't do anything right, so why try? Either way it leads to poor self-esteem.

So, in conclusion, I'll think I'll just give myself a grade as a parent... Kidding.