My Eyes are Puffy

It has been a while. A long while, admittedly.

Life has overwhelmed me to the point where I don't even know where to begin-- what to tackle first. So, oftentimes, the bigger, but less urgent tasks (such as documenting our lives) gets put on hold. I'm not sure if I ever prioritize correctly, which leaves me feeling extremely inadequate. And then I read about all that my wonderful friends are able to accomplish in a day-- clean the house, bake a birthday cake from scratch, take kids to school and activities, sew new curtains, read a book, AND post on Facebook-- and I realize I'm completely deficient. My house is an organizational and decorative nightmare. Toys and art projects are strewn throughout the entire house, compact as it is. I try to keep up with it, but the girls draw new pictures "worth saving" everyday (and their box where they place those pictures is constantly overflowing... even after I sort through and empty it). And no matter how many toys we give to Goodwill, someone is always giving them more-- new little toys from Easter, toys their own kids are too grown up to enjoy anymore, or stupid little toys from McDonald's.

And the minute I sit down to write something that I feel would be therapeutic for an ailing psyche, I have my oldest child whining about how she is hungry and wants breakfast.

Nevermind the fact that I have been weeping about my weaknesses since last night. Nope, not important.

I'm not saying all this to elicit any kind of compliments or comments on how "great" I am. Honestly, as Kevin told me this morning, no matter how much people try to encourage me, the only way I'm going to feel better about myself is if I feel good about who I see, not if others feel good about who they see. And I don't have the greatest view right now-- I'm neither sitting on a high peak, nor is my valley much to look at. Seems a bit of a barren wasteland.

No, I'm expressing all of this because it brings me some solace to do so. If it depresses you or makes you feel sorry for me, I'm sorry. But I just have to do it-- have to sort out all of these negative thoughts.

I realize what I have working against me. Being six months pregnant saps me of a lot of energy, and being the bishop's wife leaves me to parent alone a lot (which I'm used to after having been a Scoutmaster's wife for over five years). In the past two months, I have battled two cases of bronchitis and two cases of strep among my kids as well as sinus infections for Kev and me, leaving me unable to leave my house for much other than doctor's visits and prescriptions. Add on top of that, the normal school/dance routine, plus a recital, and choir concerts for me, and you have my life.

And while I should be getting us all started on cleaning the house (since we're leaving on a plane for San Diego tomorrow), instead I'm sitting here writing.

And I'm left again to question my priorities.

Truthfully, no matter what choice I'd make, I'd still question my priorities. Did I make the "right" choice? Am I going to suffer from it? Are my kids going to grow up needing therapy because I chose to sit here and write something (first time in months) instead of starting the family on chores?

And now that I look at things, the answers to those questions seem pretty simple simple... and silly. Obviously, when I'm doing my best to tend to the needs of my family (and myself), there's no real "right" choice. If I have to put off printing out and sorting hundreds of photographs so that I can help a sick child, so be it. Or if that means I can't get to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make a more stellar meal, leaving me to burritos and spaghetti (or even ordering out), so be it. Or if I have to sacrifice having an orderly house so that my kids can enjoy their millions (and billions) of toys and art supplies...well, at least they're happy. And of course, no child in their right mind is going to grow up with psychological issues because of any of that. No one would go see a therapist because their childhood home was a bit disorganized or not decorated according to the latest trends, or even because the bathrooms weren't spotless... unless, of course, they have OCD.

And I certainly don't believe that the Lord would walk into my home and shake a disproving finger at me for missing a few months of writing our family history because of illness, doctor's visits, and pure exhaustion.

Everything that needs to get done will get done. I just need to have some patience.

I also need to get my tail into the kitchen to have to some breakfast. I'm starving.

Ultrasound

If you haven't heard yet, I had an ultrasound this morning, and it went great! I haven't spotted for over a week, and the blood clot that was so visible a week and a half ago couldn't even be found. I thought I'd post a video of the little tike bouncin' around my womb.

Welcome, 2011!

I feel so incredibly lazy. Dr. Foster told me to try to stay off my feet until the bleeding subsides. Trouble is I feel normal-- I'm choosing my words very carefully, because if I say "fine" that would mean I don't feel bad. And I do feel bad, some days being worse than others. I say "normal" because I feel exhausted and nauseated... the same way I do during the first trimester of any pregnancy. But on top of that, now I feel just plain lazy-- sitting here on the couch letting Drew watch PBS Kids for hours. I need to wash towels, but they're just lying on my bedroom floor waiting to be cleaned because I'm trying to obey my doctor. And as much as I hate to admit it, so far his advice has already helped with the bleeding. Haven't had much since I talked with him and decided to take him seriously. But the ultrasound I had yesterday was also reassuring, even though that's where they discovered the unidentified mass in my uterus that could be either a large blood clot or a fibroid. We also saw the heartbeat-- 163 bpm, nice and strong. What a relief! Honestly, with all the spotting I was beginning to think the ultrasound wouldn't find a heartbeat at all.

Because of the nasty nausea I've been experiencing, I was afraid that my birthday this year would be a bust. Since it was on a weekday, there was nothing super fancy about it really. But my kids chose to whine less throughout the day (still not sure if that was intentional or not...), which was the best present they ever could have given me. For dinner we took a risk and went to a Thai food restaurant, because (oddly) I had been craving it all day.

But I always love the first couple weeks after taking the pregnancy test. That's the one time in the entire pregnancy where I'm pregnant without having any symptoms of pregnancy yet. We actually found out the week following Christmas-- a week Kevin also had off from work. We spent a day at the zoo that week, getting suckered into a tour of the Ron Jon Cape Caribe Resort, which we took a couple days later. We also took a day trip up to St. Augustine, since we were pretty sure the girls would remember nothing from the last time we were there, almost four years earlier. We toured the Castillo de San Marco, as well as the Pirate Treasure Museum, where Drew found a barrel full of foam pirate scimitars. He killed me the way he knew exactly what to do with one, that I bought him two-- one for him and the other for his opponent. He put them to immediate use, sword-fighting with Sami and helping Sami chop off Dad's head in the stocks. Seriously, he just "knows" this stuff, with very little outside influence. I mean, it's not like he's spending hours a day watching G.I. Joe-- on the contrary, thanks to two older sisters, he's quite fond of Tinkerbell and Cinderella. Barbie's up there, too.

The week after I started to feel sick, we flew to Utah, to spend six days playing in the snow with Grandma and Grandpa Smith and the kids' Clegg cousins. Grandpa left out his childhood model trains that he had set up at Christmastime. Surprisingly, Drew didn't destroy any. In fact, he loved watching them, as well as sounding the whistle. He slept in that room as well, and "sleeping with the trains" was what convinced him that sleeping in that big room all by himself was okay. All three kids loved sledding and throwing snowballs. Although, Allie needed to be coached a bit in snow-etiquette-- you know, like don't throw a huge chunk of ice in someone's face, especially when you're less than a foot away from them. Sami was a good sport about that one. We all really enjoyed the family time, and were reminded of how much fun it would be to live closer to everyone. So... that means everyone just needs to suck it up and move to Florida. Houses are cheap, people! Especially ours... now.

We didn't have too much time (and I had little energy) to see all of our beloved Utah friends, but we did get to spend one evening with Sarah and Jeremiah and their cute, feisty little Pete at the Dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point. Very few people were there, so the kids had full reign of the place. Even though tending to our wild children left us little time to chat, it's always good to see their faces.

Well, it has taken me three days to get through this post. I started on Tuesday, but have been so tired that I haven't been able to get very far without nodding off. And, yes, now it's Thursday.

I still feel lazy.

But my friends have been very kind-- bringing us dinner (thanks, Heather and Stephanie... and thanks in advance to Kendra), taking the girls to and from school (thanks, Kendra and Jill), and hauling Allie to dance (thanks, Michele). And Kevin, in spite of being very busy with work and his calling, has helped with laundry and the dishes and in nagging the kids to clean up. I'm very blessed.

And now Stephanie just called and offered to take Drew to the park with her and Heather and their two-year-old boys. I love it! So humbling as well... Angels truly are among us.

Recent videos

Here are links to our most recent videos (mentioned in the other post)...

Allie reading my snow story in her Winter Concert-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEp-4H7fR3g

Allie's Christmas dances--
"Emmanuel, God With Us" (ballet)-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI6yQsaAXjo
"Angels We Have Heard on High" (jazz) (also, my favorite)-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoZy25Bv-t0

Our family singing "Away in a Manger"-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOoqpmyWGXc

And the days roll on...

The past two months have really gotten away from me... But my one-liner status updates on Facebook have been fairly frequent, seeing as how those are so much easier.

Mid-October found me preparing for Halloween, as well as a visit from my parents at the end of the month. We took our annual trip to the pumpkin patch down the street, even indulging in a an evening hayride. My parents arrived the day before Halloween, in just enough time to come with us to our ward's Trunk-or-Treat. We had decided that this year, we wouldn't take part in Trick-or-Treating, since Halloween fell on a Sunday, so the ward activity was their main time to dress up in their costumes. Allie had decided months earlier that she wanted to be Tinkerbell, her heroine of choice (I don't think Disney had any idea at all-- a-hem-- how to market to little girls...). Sami wavered between costumes until the week-of, finally settling on an angel, after we found some wings on clearance at Jo-Ann's. Drew was Murray, the red Wiggle. And I also found some discounted butterfly wings at Jo-Ann's. I was a butterfly, and Kevin was a butterfly catcher-- wandering around with a butterfly net we borrowed from friends. Later in the week we braved the rain and took an afternoon shopping trip with Grandma in Downtown Melbourne, and then went to the zoo the following day. Grandpa spent the week battling some kind of flu virus...

The day before my parents went home, we received a call from our Stake President asking to meet with us the next afternoon. When the Stake President showed up the following day, he called Kevin to be the bishop in our ward. Kevin was shocked and overwhelmed. For the next week, he felt the effects of a looming heavy burden he couldn't shake. Kevin's parents drove down from Utah that week in order to be here for Kevin's dad to ordain him a High Priest. Once Kevin was set-apart as the bishop the following Sunday, he was greatly calmed and comforted. The past month has been okay. The Lord has strengthened and prepared me to cope with Kevin's frequent absence. Being "Scoutmaster widow" (as my grandma called it-- her own mother had been one for many, many years) gave me an idea of the time commitment. And I had felt months earlier that this would happen-- although, at frustrating or discouraging times I would doubt the idea had come from the Lord. But He has been with us...

The kids had a blast having both sets of grandparents visiting within a week of each other. And Kevin noted how having parents here makes us so much more efficient-- it was nice being able to leave some kids behind while I took one to school or needed to run an errand. One of the highlights of their Grandma and Grandpa Smith's visit, though, was taking a ride on the Christmas train at the mall. They waved and shouted hello to every person we passed. Very cool.

We spent Thanksgiving with the same crew we've seen for the past five years-- Grandpa's sisters Mary and Ecee, Mom's cousin (Ecee's daughter) Peggy and her husband Chris and daughter Cailey, Peggy's sister Pati and her husband John, and Chris's mom Jackie. We usually head to Peggy's house, but this year we trekked a little farther and met at Ecee's house in the Villages. Uncle Ken, Mary's husband, had broken his back several weeks earlier and was hospitalized, so all wanted to stay close to him. While he couldn't make it to the meal, we were able to stop in and see him before we drove home. We pray he gets his mobility back soon!

The following week Allie had her Winter Concert at school, where she read a piece I wrote on a memory of snow to the audience (I had won the parent essay contest), and then that Saturday, the girls and I went on a special outing to see the Space Coast Ballet perform The Nutcracker. Just being in the theater was exciting enough for them, but once the curtains opened and they caught a glimpse of the colorful sets, the elaborate costumes, and the artificial falling snow they were hooked-- mesmerized. I had prepped them in the car on the way on proper theater etiquette, and they did not sway from protocol in the least. I barely heard a peep out of either one of them through the entire show.

The following Sunday, Allie's ballet class performed their Christmas dances at the Children's Christmas Program at the Baptist church. I love to watch Allie perform her dances, because she loves it. The excitement on her face in in her movements is sincere-- not just for show. She did great!

And I can't miss our little Drew's 2nd birthday! We stuck to just a family party this year... two days late since Kevin had tithing settlement interviews on the actual day. We gave him a drum, and he thought that was the coolest thing ever. So did I, since it only cost, like six bucks. And he sure loved that cake!

This past weekend I came down with a horrible head cold, which started with a burning sore throat on Friday-- the day of the first of my three choir concerts. Kevin gave me a Priesthood blessing that morning at my request. My throat was raw the entire day-- I couldn't get down any water, only herbal tea. But Kevin's blessing assured me I would be able to sing. I didn't know how, because I could barely talk. So I went to the concert... and sound actually came out... and it wasn't half-bad! A little softer, but not horrible. Blessing #1.

Saturday, I was silent through our dress rehearsal with the flute orchestra. And in the afternoon, we went to the annual Harris Holiday Children's program, where the kids saw Santa, took a hayride, and rode ponies. Just like every year. And they love it!

Sunday I had two concerts. By then the cold had gone into my head and out of my throat. No more pain, but a lot of fatigue and hoarseness (which I still have). I tried to remember the blessing. I left church early, roping one of the Young Women to come with me and sit with my kids until Kevin got home. I was able to sing through both of those (back-to-back!) concerts as well, with my voice actually doing better for the second concert! Blessing #2.

Immediately after the last concert, Jessica and I had to book-it to the church for our ward's fireside, for which out family was asked to sing "Away in a Manger." The girls sang beautifully, and so did Kevin. And I actually still had a voice left... after performing in two back-to-back concerts with an illness! Blessing #3.

And here's my blessing #4, or my "Christmas miracle," as I like to call it. As I arrived at the first concert, I looked down to see my gas light was on, which I didn't anticipate. I checked the gauge above, for it to tell me I had 19 miles left in my tank. I had thought maybe we would have time after our concert and before the next to run back to Jessica's house and switch cars, but we didn't. So I drove to the second concert praying for a miracle, and ending with less than two miles worth of gas on the gauge. The needle was low. While we were singing, our husbands arranged to switch our van with our Camry so that he could get to the fireside with the kids in car seats on time, since we would have to go straight to the church if we were going to make it on time. I asked Kevin how he made it to the church without getting gas, and he said he thought the meter was off, because while the gauge said the miles left were "0" the meter showed nearly a quarter tank. The next morning, I noticed the meter seemed to be at a higher level than I remembered it being when I had driven to the last concert. It took me all day to realize I had been blessed with the miracle I was praying for.

I hope you all have a peaceful and blessed Christmas!